Sing for the Day, Sing for the Moment

Today was church day. And though I said I wouldn't go back, I did decide to go back for times when he sings or speaks. There have been comments like he should talk/sing every Sunday to make sure I'm there. Punks. It's been two weeks. Seriously. I'm there every Wednesday from Scout and missed two Sundays. But you'd think I haven't been there in years. *sigh*
He sang a beautiful lullaby and many people cried, including himself. It was very touching. And people continued to talk about his song and singing long after. In RS, many people felt that he's inspiring and his talks/songs always make them cry. Even his blessings. 
It wasn't so bad. Today's lesson in RS was the primitive church and the apostasy. The sister didn't know what the apostasy was. It's okay. I know what it is and I'm glad she didn't delve into it much because she was totally focusing on the Catholic Church. She's never been in any other church than the LDS church. Those are the types that irritate me when they criticize the Catholic Church. Bleh.
Otherwise, a good day. I'm incredibly tired now.

Counting my blessings

I am going to the church on Sunday because he's singing and I love his voice. I want to be there for that. I sometimes get the impression that he doesn't want me to pick and choose when I go. He wants me to commit and stick to that commitment. I don't feel he's being fair. And when I mention that, he says I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, which is infuriating. But I usually let that slide. I do my best not to get into these discussions because he is so adamant about how everyone is lacking. Anyway, this isn't to complain about him. Because he's actually been trying harder than he has for the last three years and I appreciate that.
We are poor. Not as poor as some. And I'm in total denial about how bad it really is. But his church has come through and paid our mortgage, electric, and water bills as well as provide us with food. A lot of food. I'm grateful for that, too. I wish, though, that there were no strings attached.

Coming Home

It was bizarre. I told him last week that I didn't want to go to his church anymore. It wasn't the sacrament part because I could deal with that. It wasn't the people so much because they're people and flawed.  No, it was the classes. Each time I went to the classes, I had to hear how men are better, god has a plan but it doesn't include pain or addiction or anything negative. I had to hear what a woman's job is and how people in the church are so superior compared to those not in the church.
The other day he said that people can go searching through all religions and not find what they're looking for. He said everyone hits a wall and ends up in the LDS church. He made me stop. I was walking out the door. I told him that other religions didn't work for him, that he hit a wall with them, but that doesn't make it all inclusive. He said I was absolutely right. And that is why I no longer go to the LDS church.
Which leads to today. She had to do an extra credit assignment and observe a service of some type. She chose the Orthodox Catholic Church. We drove clear across town to participate in this service. It was going to be 2 hours long. Now we assumed the service would be in Latin since it's supposed to be from the pre-Vatican II time. Instead, it was all in English. They sang every thing. The choir was nice. Most of the service was standing. And there was a lot of crosses/blessings being made. I couldn't keep up. And I lost interest. I have total ADD when it comes to church. I can't sit still or keep quiet. It's a huge flaw. She was all for leaving and so we did. The old guy next to her was giving us the stink eye the whole time anyway and his stink eye followed us out of the building.  We decided we needed food. Now I don't buy anything on Sundays. He disapproves and makes incredible faces and noises. But I threw caution to the wind and we went to The Omelet House. It was the best freakin' omelet ever! We discussed our repentence because we obviously screwed up. So we went to a regular Catholic service.
We drove to Henderson and went to St. Francis of Assisi. Let me tell you. Walking into that church was like coming home. The service rushed to my head so I could participate. The songs felt so familiar. I felt peaceful and refreshed when we left. I haven't felt that in a very long time.
I don't know if I'm going back. I don't know if the Catholic church is what I want. But it's something and I like it. Even with all my bashing. :)

Tricky they are

We have been discussing the similarities between the Catholic and LDS church. And he agrees that the similarities are strong. However, if I dug deeper, I would find the huge differences. I don't plan on digging deeper. I plan on continuing on my merry away which is not to the cold waters of the baptismal font. 
I've been going to church because he's going to be set apart as the Elder's Quorum President. I want to be there for that since it's so important to him. So I went to church today and still no setting apart. I'll go again next week. I want to take a break. I want to not go for a while. And yet... because of this setting apart.....I'll continue to go. Yeesh.
I talked to a person today who lives in the care center next door. She wants to be friends. She's sweet. And wasted no time giving me a task. I don't mind. It was an interesting day over all. I'm looking forward to moving.
I did realize that he would like to belong to the same church as Chris. I wish I could grant that for him but I don't see it happening. I just don't want to live in Spanish Forks. I feel selfish. I do see that they'd be a powerhouse together. And I also see that I am an obstacle. It is not for me to decide or ponder today. We're still a while away before we move. Leave. Whatever.
One of my favorite people is moving to Idaho. I didn't even get to say good-bye. That's so sad. She's been an inspiration and I've loved talking to her. She's so funny. I'm going to miss her. But the up side: she's on my facebook so I can send her messages at any time. 
Sometimes the bright side shines much brighter than the tarnished side. :) And I know that makes no real sense but it makes a lot of sense to me.

Catholicism

Today was interesting. I picked up a book about the Catechism of the Catholic Church and started reading it. It is amazing how similar the LDS church and Catholic church are. I did know of some but the more I read that book, the more I became aware of just how much they have in common. The difference is that the C. Church doesn't really bad mouth any other religions because they believe all religions lead back to them. Which is true, in a way. Since the C.C. stole a lot of saints and holidays from other religions. I don't think I'm going to bring this up with him. I don't want to get into a debate and have him try to prove why his church is better. It's not. Neither one is better. So I'm back to the question: why would I trade one for the other when they're so similar? It's crazy. And yet so many Catholics do it and vice versa. Personally, I'll stick to where I'm at. I may go back to the church (C) because it's familiar and it's soothing. I do like the songs and the quiet times to meditate (usually as the priest is praying or during the readings).  Perhaps that is something I'll start to do next Saturday. Yes, I've mentioned it before. But now....I want something of my own. I don't want his. It doesn't change my stance of god or the bible. I may have to confess that. But it is still a base and it's something I know. More thought.

Tithing Terrors

I hate religious discussions. Not even religious because no other religions come into it. But the cult. And tithing has been a hot topic for the last two days. Yesterday, I really laid into him because a family is struggling and was told regardless of the struggles they need to tithe. The blessings of god are directly tied to the tithing and if a person doesn't tithe, they don't get blessings or go into the temple. It feels more greedy than the Catholic church.
So I looked up tithing in the Catholic church. And they don't require it. They require members to support the church however they can: not necessarily money but through service. Which makes a lot more sense to me. I still don't have a love relationship with the Catholic church. I'm not going to suddenly decide how much better it is because there are major issues with it. But some of it is better than the cult. Other parts are just as bad. So it's not like I'm running to the Catholic church, though the urge is there because I do know it. I have a huge wall built against the cult and it annoys me that he keeps saying "when I'm baptized" instead of thinking I never will be. At this time, I just can't do it. And I am the last person someone should talk to about the cult or ask questions. I'm the last person to soothe ruffled feathers. I do tend to make it worse because I am so vocal in my opposition. That being said, I don't think a person who voluntarily joins the cult has the right to complain about the strictures of the cult. If you're not going to investigate it thoroughly and get as many questions answered and as much information as possible before the baptism, then that's on you. Suck it up and deal with it. It's a rant of mine. I absolutely hate hearing people tell me they regret their decision because they didn't know. Or they're upset because there wasn't an instant change.  That's stupid. And annoying. See? I'm not the one to talk to. It reminds of the time I was in Basic Training and went to the hospital to visit a friend. I met a girl there who had fallen down the stairs and wanted to go home but the higher ups said it wasn't life threatening so she would be back to active duty. I told her to call the Red Cross to get a hardship discharge. I told her all the things that were bad about being there (even though I did enjoy it) and convinced her to leave. By the time I left, she was already talking to her mom to go home. I am the wrong person when I feel strongly about something.
Other news--but still cult related--our neighbor has a drinking problem. For the last three years, the girl has accused her dad of abusing her and has told me repeatedly that she wants him gone. He drinks. He does abuse them.  She wants to call the police but won't. So for the last three years, she's told the missionaries about it. She cries. She wails. She has the drama. It's a serious situation. I'm aware of that. I also know that we have given her avenues to get out and she won't take it. I also know that we've spent time with her dad and do our best but we can't forcibly remove her. She won't let us call the police. In the past, the missionaries made a concentrated effort to see her every other day for hours. Totally against policy. The missionaries now, however, called the missionary president who called the bishop who called me. I asked her what she wanted to happen. She said she wants him to go away. She had a talk with the bishop last night who wanted to call the police right then. She said no. Next time. The thing that gets me is that if she really wants to stop or change it, why wouldn't she let the police get involved? Yes it could go badly. But it's a step in a direction. 
As an abused person, I understand her mentality. I also know that I wasn't like her at all. I didn't have the attitude. I was still beaten and locked up but I never gave attitude. I was the pleaser. I know it doesn't matter what attitude a person has: an abuser is going to abuse. I feel at a loss yet this also reinforces why I can't help domestic violence victims. It's frustrating. But maybe now the cult will be more involved in her family and actually teach her parents. The kids are members but the cult has abandoned the parents. Makes no sense.
I'm done ranting. Well, probably not but ranting makes me want cookies and that is just a bad thing. 

Disgust

I don't think I can do this religion thing anymore. I don't think I can listen and sit idly by. As he and his friend were talking about the house in UT....one that is far from where I want to be.....they had to figure out my time line. As sad as it sounds, I want him to go now. Because this is killing me, killing us, and making her hate me more. I'm done with the passive role. I'm just done.

How do I take this....

It's a given that he gets freaky when I don't go to church or the children don't. He doesn't get to talk to me about whatever he's learned if I'm not there. He comes back a little pouty and cranky. 


So the dilemma came up that she wants to take the car tonight so she can see her boyfriend and spend Father's Day with him and his dad. Since he doesn't do Father's Day. I asked if he would take me home. She could drop me off at church and he could take me home. Instead he said I need to stay home. He's been pushing me to go every Sunday for two years and now he's telling me not to go? Did he have a brain transplant or something? It just feels weird. I'm totally not used to hearing him say stay home. Don't go. Problem solved. It doesn't feel right. I think because it implies that he's given up which I'm grateful for but didn't think I'd ever see. Weird.

Tomorrow I get to stay home, work on my paper, relax, read, maybe do a little cleaning. I like that. :)

Skipped the day

I skipped the churchy day.  And he performed. Normally I try to be there when he sings. Today, though, I decided not to go. I get tired of their fakeness. That's what it feels like: their pretend smiles and their pretend good will. Not all of them. Just some of them. And they find me. When he left today he said he'd tell me how it went. He swears he's not trying to make me feel guilty but his tone definitely says something different. Not today. For a minute, I thought about going. Then decided not to. It was a split second of remorse and then it was gone. I don't want to feel pressured so I don't. I have enough pressure from me, my internal time line. I don't want/need more from something I don't believe in.

It's funny. C and I were talking about religion on Friday. We talked about the Bible and god and really covered a huge range. She said she looks to the Bible as a history book. She said that's what helps her believe it's a good book.  I told her I thought it was more fiction. It does have some wonderful stories: violence, happy endings, sad endings, etc. She said I could be wrong. And I know I'm in a minority (if there are any others who think that) but I believe the book is subjective since it is written by human hands. Just like the Book of Mormon. It was written by the human hand. Yes, god told Joseph to translate it but he still used words that weren't there. If he couldn't find the translation or didn't receive it, he placed a similar word.  Subjective. All history/writing is. If man is involved, then so are emotions and it's wrong. The truth is always somewhere in the middle.

And that's all I'm going to say about that.

Just a day

Today was Fast (Testimony) Sunday. The children didn't go. A family he's been teaching didn't go. And it puts him in a funk. I know that but that's not why I went today. I always go on Fast Sunday. I skip the majority of the month but I do get this one. I know I've said before that I don't enjoy this Sunday every month. I don't think people should be allowed to lecture others on how to live, especially if they aren't living it, on Fast Sunday. Or any other day. But this day especially. People throw out scriptures and "you will...." and it's uncomfortable. I expect them to pound the podium for emphasis. I feel the bishop should have better control of how the testimonies go. Maybe that's unrealistic but there you have it.

I like the Baptist church because they tell you straight up what to expect. Some of them do pound the podium and each time, a group is agreeing ("Amen, Brother!"). But they're upfront. They don't really do sneaky attacks. The Catholics, though not my favorite religion, will have a lecture ready on whatever problem/issue needs to be addressed or what lesson will benefit people more. I don't agree with their overall practices with the clergy but I think all religious beliefs are sound. Who am I to say one is better than another?

And that's my problem. I don't believe  religions have the right to look down on other religions. They all have the same basic belief in one supreme being. There are exceptions but I'm talking about the mainstream religions. It annoys me when someone says this religion is okay but.....I think that's a major pet peeve of mine with the LDS church. Well, there's two actually when it comes to religion:

1) That no religion is complete because they don't have the book of mormon. Therefore, people of the different religion are still blind and can't believe completely because they don't have a prophet or the b of m. Seriously.

2) That all other religions will only get to the bottom kingdom (telestial) because they don't believe in the true god. Huh? There's only one true god and the Mormons got him? Ridiculous!!!! I remember when the missionary glared at me because I refused to be baptized. He yelled at me, saying as his parting shot that he hoped I didn't die tomorrow because I was surely going to hell.  Really? Hell? I'm sure I'll be in good company. 

It doesn't endear them to me. And yet, I get sidelong glances because people who have been to the church twice and had their four lessons are baptized. Here I am, two years later (almost three) and still dragging my feet. I think those that are baptized quickly are the ones that are blind. He's right: a person needs eyes to see and ears to hear. Because of that, I know WITH CONVICTION that my decision is sound.

So it begins

Today, for the first time ever, I sat in church without rolling my eyes. I was so relaxed, in fact, that I found myself making jokes and snarky comments. He encouraged me. Bad! XD But it was fun. 

I normally wear an Om bracelet. I sit and say "Hum Mani Padme Ohm" during prayer because it calms me and centers me. I actually feel more peace by repeating that mantra than I have ever felt with prayer. I generally visualize what I want and where I want to go so I did that, too. It was nice. I was still exhausted when I came home but that had nothing to do with the overall church population or church. Mostly with the children. The pictures are clearer and I am excited.

Today was a good day.

Another Baptism

Tonight was a really nice baptism. Sometimes I want to ask the person what exactly made them make this decision. Because they have such issues (tonight the woman used to smoke but hasn't for a week) and suddenly they don't? I don't understand. Perhaps if I blindly jumped in I may see what they see.  Except that I'd feel like such a hypocrite. I already feel like one because I don't believe. It's not that I don't get it. I understand that people are searching for something and the missionaries catch them on that one day where they're more open than others. I do understand that. And people get caught up in the excitement and the attention so they jump in with both feet. Then the newness wears off and suddenly they're left on their own to figure out the next step. It's sad. For this one day, though, their eyes are shining and full of hope.  I will never be one to take that away. 
**********************
I have always been drawn to the Middle Eastern religions. Not so much Islam because the Koran is similar. They have prophets and I just can't do that. I'm talking about Hindu, Buddhism, and one other that escapes my mind. I investigated Buddhism before. But he didn't like it. Said it wasn't really a religion. And that's part of the appeal. It doesn't have a church house (it can and does here but I don't have to go) and it's based on something I believe. I want to mingle it with a type of Wicca because that also has a base I believe in. I've been feeling the pull to go my own way, to make my sanctuary. When I can do that, I can associate with his church with no guilt. And I will no longer care about his expectations.  I'll keep you posted. :-)

Wish I was Stronger

Since I realized how much I detest the church, I made the mental decision to not go anymore. To really stick to my guns and just quit. I don't enjoy going. I like some of the people but I don't want to go for them anymore. And I'm tired of hearing him say how much he misses me when I'm not there. He tells me all the time how much he misses me. The thing is: I'm home all the time. He's busy with the church. And maybe I'm a little resentful of that. However, I know that I'll be there next week. I'll put on my pretty church clothes and go because it's the end of the month. And then everyone will tell me how they missed me and some will wonder where I was. I don't care. But I'm not strong when it comes to this. To pleasing him and making him happy by going. However, I withhold and make him pay in other ways. This isn't good.  Or healthy. I need to be stronger and stick to my decisions. Maybe then I won't make him pay in other ways.

Sometimes I hate

When he comes home from his church days....and I don't go...it's almost always horrible. He tells me it's not the same if I'm not there and he can't enjoy it nearly as much or get as much out of it. Or something like that. He swears he's not trying to make me feel guilty because guilt isn't his thing anymore. But he drops it on me anyway. I know it's not about me. It's his problem. Still hate hearing about it. :-(

It's okay

In RS,all I heard was blah, blah, blah. I'm sure it was a good lesson and it had to do with their prophet. But it's obvious I don't have a very open mind when it comes to these things. In fact, their prophet and my pope are so similar and I'm disenchanted with the pope. So...

An interesting side note: a woman stood up today to say what helps her get through everything. She said her husband isn't a member and could never understand her want to go to the temple. But..and this is the part that gets to me...he--a nonmember--had to sign off for her to go to the temple. It had to be in writing that it was okay with him--A NONMEMBER--for her to go to the temple. What the heck?????  I'm waiting for him to come home so I can get clarification. Seriously.  And women are superior....idiots.

It's really none of their business

Sunday was interesting. I was only there for sacrament because I had to study for finals. It's getting more difficult to go because he's so busy with his people, he has no time to say anything to me. Yet he tells me he's happy I'm there. Of course he is. It means I'm not out exploring other religions! 

But Sunday, after sacrament, a new convert asked me a question of the man before conversion. I'm the first to admit that he was a maniac. He had a temper that would terrify me sometimes. But I learned to cope. I guess he talked about it with the NC because the NC asked me about it. So I was honest. Really, a lot of the people in that church would go to the shop and see him in all his raging glory so it's not like I was telling secrets. NC wants me to find the tape I have of raging maniac but I feel uncomfortable with that. I feel uncomfortable having to prove that he was like that when he's not really now.

(Oh, he still has the crazy glint in his eyes. Now, though, he's not alone. It's creepy walking into the foyer and having everyone turn with that same crazy look and big smiles.)

Anyway, after telling NC about his rages, NC asked me why, after witnessing such a miracle, I wasn't baptized yet? Obviously that would have turned anyone. Why not me?  I told him I have issues with the church that I need to reconcile before I did it. And then I was a little angry because it sounded like I was defending my decision.  I told him I didn't really appreciate the conversation.  He said not to take it personally. It's just too much after the missionary dinner. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I want to stop completely.


I'm thinking, too, I want to go back to the Catholic church. I know I mentioned it before but I really want to do it. I think this Saturday is a good time to go. Even though there's a bbq I am expected to attend for his church. I don't care. 


Meh. >:-/
 

It was a sneaky night

I did the missionary dinner thing tonight. She joined us and then took them to a play/musical. I don't know what it was. She volunteered, which was impressive.  At the end of the dinner, though, they snuck in a lesson. About how a person sometimes has to give up family to follow the true path, the true savior, whatever. And it'll work out in the next life or now. It was annoying. And then one of them said he really enjoys when I go to the baptisms. I don't know what that means. I know that people firmly believe the more baptisms I go to the more I'll fall into it and want to do it. The less likely I am to walk with the adversary, whatever that means. I don't believe in the adversary or the devil. I believe that Lucifer was terribly misunderstood. Victor Hugo wrote an excellent poem about the fall of Lucifer. Even he said Lucifer was misunderstood. I get tired of hearing how I'm robbing myself from the true experience by not doing what they want. I'm tired of discussing it. Done.

Just another Sunday

Today I felt morally offended as people were talking about eternal marriage/families. I hate that they tell me that I will never be with him again because I'm not baptized. Personally, I believe he and I have gone through many lives together. And maybe in my last life I was LDS and he wasn't and I hated it because he wasn't so I decided this time not to do it.  I don't think he'll understand that.
I was sitting in the investigator's class and came face to face with "Know it all" Guy. The one who pounces on words to make his point.  The one who can't wait to tell the other person s/he is wrong. I don't like those type of people. I'm actually finding that I'm not liking a lot of things. One of the saddest side affects of my not liking things is that I'm not very good with animals or small children anymore. I used to be great with them.  Now....not so much. I feel that loss.
The rest of the day is uneventful.

Sometimes I wish for silence

Sometimes I don't want to talk about religion or how it affects me. I don't want to be told that I'm fighting my natural inclination and should be baptized. I want to be accepted for who I am and not who they think I should be.  Tonight was a baptism. I did not go. I didn't want to go. I don't feel like I need to be there for everything that happens in the church. He looked disappointed. And then it feels like he tries to make me feel guilty for not going because of all the people who ask about me. I don't have an obligation to them or to him. It was his decision to join the church. He can't expect me to go along when it's no longer his decision what I do. Boy, I wish he'd get that already.

Lots of Laughter

Tonight was De-Stress Night. It was my first time. It's a night for the women of the church to get together, laugh, play, and learn. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed myself. Really. I didn't think I would. I love a certain group of women. They are the ones I gravitate to every time we're in the same room.  So I sat with my peeps. It was especially nice because he stayed to watch the children. It would not have been possible if he didn't.  I think I'm looking forward to next time. :)

Please don't pick my friends

I like a lot of the women in the church. I truly do. But I don't like socializing with them. I actually don't like socializing. And I don't like being told they'd make great friends....better than the ones I have now. It makes me cranky. I wish he wouldn't try to push me into friendships with people because they'd be good for me or have a positive impact on me or whatever the reason is. I think the underlying reason will always come back to my soul. Like I said, I generally like some of the women. I just don't want to see people all the time.

Dilemma

I went to Mass when I was in Salt Lake.  It was disappointing. I'm pretty sure I wrote about it. But I am still feeling that pull to go to Mass.  Tuesday is my great aunt's funeral.  I think I'm going to Mass before school to light a candle for her and say some prayers. I'm glad she's reunited with her family and Jim.

I don't understand this pull. I feel so tired of conforming with his church and trying to bend my mind to fit his way of thinking. Each time I think of going, I feel dread. I thought I was over it but I'm not.  Especially since this pull started. I'm going to church tomorrow with him. It's testimony Sunday and it's what I do. But I find myself not wanting to stay for the whole day. Maybe I won't.  I don't know. I'm so tired of everything. I'm so tired of trying. I want something for myself without wanting his approval or worried about making him happy. Making him happy is making me very unhappy.

It's time for a change. And the time is now.

Exhausting but rewarding

Last week was Spring Break and we decided to go to Salt Lake early.Yesterday, for Easter, I decided to experience an Easter Mass once more. I missed the one I really wanted to go to but went to the one in the evening with them.  He volunteered to go.  It was short.  University Masses usually are. Then we went back to their house and he started asking questions.  He didn't say anything that was offensive.  She didn't say anything defensive.  I do think she was testing a little to see if he would jump into his doctrine. But he didn't. I was impressed.  Today we came home.  Exhausted but so glad to be home.  :)

Interesting in a museum/history kind of way

Tuesday we toured Temple Square.  We walked through the visitor centers, the tabernacle, and the assembly hall. We had two very sweet and knowledgeable sister missionaries. And it was interesting. If I kept in mind that this is their history and I didn't hear any doctrine, it was good. He said they're very good about not trying to convert while on this particular mission.  I did enjoy it. My favorite part was the roof garden above the conference hall. It was incredibly impressive. But it goes to waste because you can't go up there unless you have a guide.  How sad is that? All that beauty and it can't be shared with you and god. There has to be a chaperone.

Hmmm....A good day!

Today I realized I am one of those people who go to church for the people. Not for the sermons or the sacrament or any of that. I have become attached to a handful of people and those are the ones I go to see. 
I'm not normally outspoken in church.  Any grievances or complaints I have I save until the end and tell them to him. He usually fixes it for me or explains it so I don't hold a grudge or whatever. I'm actually very good at letting go of the grudges and grievances. Today, though, I was outspoken. There is a woman who has annoyed me since we started going to this church. She once pulled me aside and said that the longer it takes me to get baptized, the more apt I'm going to follow the "adversary" and go beyond the outer darkness.  Then she cried. It has always rubbed me wrong and it's something I can't seem to let go. Anyway, that's the history.  She's very abrasive and offensive and doesn't care if new people are there or not.  Today she said that people are not obedient of god or anything until they join the church. And it peeved me. She preached for a good ten minutes. Then I raised my hand and said that people can be obedient before they join. There are many people who are obedient to god and don't belong to this church.  She was not happy with me. But then he spoke up and said that not just the new people and investigators who have to be obedient. But it's a message/lesson for everyone not to be complacent about following the commandments, especially members. She was very quiet during Relief Society. 
That lesson also irked me. World moral discipline.  World meaning USA.  Yeesh. 
One of my favorite people hugged me today.  She's always so peaceful and soothing. It was a good day.

Lunch with the cult

I went to lunch today with RP. She's married to a higher up in the church. She's not a likable person. But then...there are times when I'm not either. I wonder why she wants lunch with me. She does it about once a month. I think she likes having someone who's not involved to talk at. But I realized today that she also uses this time to proselytize about the church to me. In fact, she tries to be friendly while she's doing it and tries to make it very friendly.  Yet it sits a little off with me.  Almost like she's trying too hard.  The final push for the day was genealogy.  She wanted me to know how exciting it is to find my family. And do the work for them. I miss the concept, I guess. I won't tell him because then he'll lecture me about genealogy and how important it is. I think she sees it as her home teaching or something.  Her duty to make sure I know what I'm missing and how unfulfilled I should feel. I don't feel unfulfilled. I don't feel like I'm missing anything.  What I do feel is I'm tired of hearing about it.
I feel like I'm being guilted into going to church.  He comes home on the Sundays I don't go and tells me who missed me and asked after me.  One person has made it her mission to call me if I miss it.  I don't like phones. And Wednesday when I was tutoring, the mother asked me if I was quitting.  I feel a bit resentful about it. I wish they would leave me alone.  He said it's because they like me.  And now he's pushing me to be friends with a new member, babysitting for them, and hanging out.  It annoys me. I don't care what he does with his time or who he sees....but he's not allowed to volunteer me.  And then expect me to be okay with it.  Not. Okay.

Sometimes.....

I am incredibly touchy when it comes to my beliefs. I take offense when my spirituality comes up.  And I take what he says personally.  Last night he said he taught a Wiccan. And then started asking me questions. Now I looked into Wicca. I firmly believe in it but I quit because of him.  How stupid is that?!?!?!  Giving him control like that. I know what I believe. Everytime it comes up, though, he has to equate it with his religion and how his god created everything. I hate that. He doesn't understand why I get upset and I am not sophisticated enough to explain it clearly. I know it annoys me and I end up in tears.  Always.  I feel like I ruin his spiritual high.

I didn't go with him today. I don't want to go. I go because I miss him and it seems like the only way I can be with him. Still....today I didn't want to go. I don't really want to go anymore.  I've voiced it before but haven't managed to follow through.  I wish I was stronger and could. 

Still another calling...

I don't mind that he has all these callings.  He really enjoys them and it makes him happy.  So that makes me happy.  It just makes me giggle that a church who's sole purpose revolves around the family keeps their adult members so busy that they have no family time.  I guess that's why there is family night.  Still giggling.  =-D

And..

And it would seem that she and I have very similar religious views. It's actually quite funny.  Before he went on his anti-religious rant, we were already heading away from organized religion.  I don't know if I'll follow hers exactly but I like thinking of making my own: Wicca and Buddhism.  Those two appeal to me.  So why can't I mix them?  She says I can. 

It was a great talk.  Lots of laughter.  And she looked up Temples.  I think she's waiting for a time to tell him he's wrong.  His church isn't the only one with temples.  They're just the only ones who build at such a voracious rate!

Now I'm done. =D

The Real Reason....

This is baptism season. I will be hiding out until the fervor passes. So far there are 7 slated. I'm happy that people are finding something they like but hate the reprecussions when someone remembers I'm not a member. It can be frustrating.

I talked to her today about religion. And maybe part of the reason I don't want to be baptized is because there isn't a real history attached to this religion. It feels made up. (I was thinking of another word but it left me.) Plus, it's the religion. I have a hard time with a prophet although I know the Catholic church has a pope.  They aren't that different.  So I'll let that go.  The biggest reason why I've never been baptized...and the true reason...is because I don't believe in the bible.

That's right. I said it.

To me, the bible is a really good fairy tale. It has all the horrors and happy endings and fables/parables with the lesson at the end that other fairy tales have. It has interesting characters (but horrid language) and I have my favorite stories.  But to me, that's all they are.  Stories.  Used to scare people and keep them in line.  Add the new fairy tale book from them and you have an almost complete set.  I can't sit down and debate the merits of the bible as a "testament" if I don't see it that way.  He sees it as a flaw and once told me I need to pray because it might be different now. No. 

I remember when I was younger and read the Children's Catholic Bible. It had pretty pictures and great stories and really engaged me. I'd read it as a bed time story to myself (and my ultra-cool hippo). Maybe that's what started it. I just know that reading it as an adult doesn't interest me. I read the stories I want and I know where to find them. I hate it otherwise.

One of the problems I face, though--and it's completely my fault--I mentioned once that I used to talk to Jesus and he used to talk to me. When I was very little (starting at 4) he would visit every afternoon and we would chat. I didn't see him as anyone special or as anyone other than my friend. Yet, I told him, and it was a VERY BIG DEAL.  I don't see it. And I outgrew it. Partly because I lived through what he was there for and partly because someone needed him more. I wish I'd never told him.

Baptism season is in full affect. Avoidance Island is now open.

Sometimes it's a good day

With so many baptisms happening, focus is shifting on me. Now I would have been upset before. I would have ranted for hours and made him miserable as he tried to fix it. He has been my knight. He heads them off. But the frenzy is getting to a pitch and I can hear people whisper. It sounds like I'm paranoid but I'm not. When people start sentences with "I'm not pressuring you toward baptism....", then the pressure is definitely added. He said over his dead body will they talk to me about baptism. He's on a crusade. It's very sweet.

Today was a good day. There is a new family being baptized next Saturday. They are a really sweet family and very sure of what they're doing. Crazy. And they aren't letting the people of the ward get to them. And they're trying. They won't pronounce their name right, they ignore her husband, but they love the kids.

Last night was a game night at the church. The children came with their mom. And everyone ignored her! She sat next to me and they'd come over to say hi to me but would ignore her when I introduced her or reminded people who she is. It was sad and made me slightly angry. She eventually left with a "headache" and I couldn't talk her out of it. She wants to belong to this church because she sees that it's doing a lot for her kids but they won't embrace her because she's Hispanic and is afraid to speak English. Argh.

But there is still hope. I know that. I feel that.

What I've learned...

Recently I've been focusing on him and his religion and how it affects me. To be fair, I can create drama out of anything and his religion and his thinking is no different. They don't affect me, really. They have nothing to do with me. But I feel he and I are so intertwined that I should think like he thinks and believe like he believes. And I buck every time. It's not healthy. I would like to say it was easier before he converted. But it truly wasn't. It was just a different set of issues. And I have become a different person than the one that put up with his crap before. I think for myself and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Saying no to baptism isn't as difficult as finding what I want.

So I've put my spiritual quest on the back burner. It bothers me. Like I'm missing something and it's not organized religion. Today I decided to start feeling my way again. I know where I want to go and what I want to do. I just lack the courage to do it. And I lack the courage because I don't want him to look down on me, be disappointed, or tell me I'm wrong. Honestly, I don't think he'd do any of those things. I think he'd be happy if I just did it. I'm going to screw up my courage and embark.

Wish me luck! :0)

Talking and Listening

After last night's revelry, I came home and talked with Dave about his thinking. I told him it disturbed me that his thinking was skewed into the mormon way. He apologized. He said he didn't realize it. He would be more aware of it. And try not to fall into that trap. We'll see.

When did that happen????

Somewhere in the last two years, he started thinking like them. Somewhere in the last two years, he started adopting their stance on issues that are polar opposite to what he used to believe. I must have blinked. I don't know when it happened. I don't know how it happened. But it happened. And it caught me completely off guard. He used to say that the gays were special people placed on earth for a higher good because they have to put up with so much. Now he says he agrees with the cult's stance. He used to say that it was wrong to baptize dead people without the knowledge of the family. Now he wants to know what the big deal is. And yet, in every other way, he appears normal.

I blame the Mormon special that was on tv. But that's only a symptom. That's what made me realize his thinking changed. Somehow, I forgot to add that religious fanaticism is a deal breaker. It really bothers me and he doesn't see why.

He also acts like I'm prolonging the inevitable. He talks about when I go to temple with him. The only way I'm going is if it's not dedicated yet. Right now, I feel disgust and I'm glad I'm not going tomorrow. This is all too much to process.

Sometimes it's enough

Last weekend, I felt guilty because I didn't go to church. This week, I felt a little guilty because scouts was canceled. And then I realized how ridiculous that is to feel guilty for not doing something I hate doing!

I go to church to spend time with him. I go to church because it brings him joy and peace. I like seeing that. I go to church because I don't want to disappoint him and, as much as he says I don't, I feel I do every time I say I'm not going. I don't like going. I like visiting with the people but I also am always aware that they're trying to get me pulled in. I don't like that they have an agenda.

We discussed baptism. Actually, he brought it up and said he thought we could talk about it like two adults having a conversation. But when it comes up, I feel he has an agenda. How horrible is that???? I may have over-reacted. :-) I told him that I know where I'm going and I don't need to be a part of an organized religion to get there. That if he was concerned with my soul, that was his problem. I was baptized once. I was confirmed once. And I don't want to go through that again. I don't want to feel that oily, clammyness creep on me. He said he was speaking generalities. I don't think so. It is a touchy subject. We don't talk about it because I do react. Agendas. You know, it wouldn't be so bad if people were just honest. I do believe him when he says I don't have to be a member. I don't have to go to church. Because when he says it, he means it. I am tired of it all.

Missouri is creeping back into his vocabulary. I may have missed the opportunity for UT. I'm digging in my heels. That is all.

Secrets

I hate keeping secrets. I am probably one of the worst secret keepers in the world. I can keep them and I do. But I hate it. I have always believed that a husband and wife should have no secrets. I do have secrets from him but they aren't my secrets, they're hers. So I'm not really breaking my belief. I tell him everything unless I'm told specifically not to. But now....now his religion has made us keep secrets. It's very demoralizing to a marriage for a member to keep secrets from a nonmember. It makes it more difficult for me to see what the benefits are of becoming a member. Instead, I feel icky when I think of joining. I get this oily, creepy feeling crawling down my skin and that's not natural.
Since he's joined, he can't talk about what he does outside of what I can see. I can't question him. I can't peek. And since he has so much invested in his cult, he talks of nothing else. So our conversations are now limited to surface talk. I can fill any void with any words but I miss that give and take we used to have.
I can see why nonmembers join. If their spouse is a member, these nonmembers join just so they have that normal conversation again. So they don't feel excluded anymore. So they don't feel like the red-headed stepchild.
I don't like what his religion is doing. I don't think it actually believes in the sanctity of marriage between a member and nonmember. I think it does its best to drive a wedge between the two so they'll divorce and the member can marry someone more worthy. That's not going to happen in my marriage. I'm not going to give in to the pressures just to make some strangers happy and to make him talk to me. But I'm also not going to sit quietly by while it tries to drive in that wedge.
I hate secrets. And this church promotes them. Something is definitely not right.

Stupid....stupid...stupid

There is nothing worse than getting a lecture about religion from a 13 year old who is only parroting what his parents think. There is nothing more annoying to me than to hear about another religion and they're wrong. And when I call them on it, they act like I'm the crazy one.
Tuesday the boy brought up baptism. He said I really need to get with it and do it because I could die tomorrow and burn in hell. For some reason, Catholicism came up. Now this boy has been LDS his whole life. He's never even visited another religion or church. But he told me about the Catholic churches and what the Catholics believe in and wouldn't shut up. I told him he needs to do research before he opens his mouth. I told him I was Catholic (though not practicing) and he said I need to go back to the Catholic church because they don't need my kind in his. Really? My religion converts to his religion! It's ridiculous. It's left a sour taste in my mouth.
He is back to moving to Missouri. I can feel it. I can sense it. And it's not going to be pretty.

Something to ponder

Yesterday was weird. It was a church day. I went. But after church, he and I were talking about it and he said he would really like it if I didn't go anymore. He would prefer it if I stayed home, read or whatever, and talked to him instead of listening to all those people. I think he thinks it will make it easier to convert me. But I also think he feels like they're taking little snipes at me. Whatever. This is the second time he's mentioned me not going anymore. I think I'm taking him up on it this time.

Today has been okay

Tonight was a baptism night.  He performed the baptism and said the wrong thing!  The poor girl had to go back under.  Still, it was a good, yet uninspiring, baptism.

During the "intermission"--while they were changing--we had to write our testimonies.  The missionary passed out the paper and pens and sat down to write.  He gave me paper.  Did not give me pen.  It was almost like he was fighting with himself to offer me a pen.  After five minutes, where I felt a little humiliated, he finally offered me a pen.  I don't know why I didn't ask for one.  I could have.  And I don't really have a testimony, according to that church.  But I wrote something for the girl.  He said not to take it personally.  I do, though.  Every time I'm around that church, someone reminds me of my "lack of baptism".   So I felt like he was saying I wasn't good enough to write anything for the girl since I haven't been baptized.  He said I was making too much out of it.

I don't care.  I think they should concentrate on people who really want this particular gospel and leave me to my own little musings.  We're going to do this again on Feb. 6 when someone else is getting baptized and wants him to do it.  He's in great demand.  They want him for missionary work and baptism because he doesn't talk down to people or make them feel horrible for their first religion.  He's come a long way since he was baptized.

An interesting thing happened on the way to the Casbah

Wednesday was a bad day at the church. It actually angered me and I came home and ranted to him. It's his church, after all.  And he said that he wishes I wouldn't go there anymore.  He said they're just reinforcing my negative beliefs about his church. I don't think he realizes that the church is just a small part of it.  I don't think he's listening to the other reasons.  He said he wishes I'd resign my calling so I could get some space because those people are poisoning me.  I'd feel bad but for the first time in two years, he made some sense.

Faeries

She started a faery garden to go with her Wicca garden.  She has specific plants for her faeries.  But if they're displeased, she said they create havoc.  She said they were displeased the other night and popped a hole in her bed.  Such excitement!

I like the idea of faery gardens.  They're pretty.  I thought about creating one for myself but outside. I found an idea for one with a bird bath.  Faeries can be good or bad but if they're taken care of, they don't normally cause trouble.  I think I'm going to read more about faeries.

I find it interesting to see them interact, the daughter and the father.  I watch them and how she tries, he tries but one conversation can take it all back to square negative.  The other day I started a conversation about religion and philosophy.  Actually, I was repeating what my teacher said.  I find it funny (not in a ha-ha kind of way) that he gets so upset when people say something against religion or god.  And every time a religious conversation comes up, he has to bring up Wicca.  Well, she's a practitioner.  She knows way more than me.  And he speaks so absolute about what all religions
believe. She was having none of it. She told him he may want to do more research on what Wicca believes and not quote one branch and think that is the one.  Wicca is so eclectic that there are multiple branches and many ways to practice.  He read one way and believes that is the way of all Wiccans. It is a huge division between them.  They'll work it out.  Maybe.

A bout of malaise.....

The other day I tutored a 13 year old LDS boy. And we went to the college down the street to study. I thought we should have snacks/drinks to fortify us in our studying.  I bought tea. I obviously wasn't thinking. The next thing I know I'm being lectured by him about how I'm not supposed to be drinking tea. I'm not baptized, I say. Which surprises him. He thought I was. He thought I was hard core because I'm always at the church. He asked if I was Christian. I said yes. And feel horrible for lying.  It's true that I believe in Jesus. It goes further than that. But the rest.....meh.  He has decided he will recruit D and they will save my soul. He doesn't want to think of me stuck in outer darkness because I didn't accept the "true gospel". I am a firm believer that I will not be in outer darkness. I know I will be wherever D is.  If he's in outer darkness, then that's where I'll be. It's not high on my priority list. Obviously, though, my priorities are messed up. I don't care. He did apologize to me for judging me.  He still feels that he has to convert me.  Tutoring him will be very interesting indeed.