Hmmm....A good day!

Today I realized I am one of those people who go to church for the people. Not for the sermons or the sacrament or any of that. I have become attached to a handful of people and those are the ones I go to see. 
I'm not normally outspoken in church.  Any grievances or complaints I have I save until the end and tell them to him. He usually fixes it for me or explains it so I don't hold a grudge or whatever. I'm actually very good at letting go of the grudges and grievances. Today, though, I was outspoken. There is a woman who has annoyed me since we started going to this church. She once pulled me aside and said that the longer it takes me to get baptized, the more apt I'm going to follow the "adversary" and go beyond the outer darkness.  Then she cried. It has always rubbed me wrong and it's something I can't seem to let go. Anyway, that's the history.  She's very abrasive and offensive and doesn't care if new people are there or not.  Today she said that people are not obedient of god or anything until they join the church. And it peeved me. She preached for a good ten minutes. Then I raised my hand and said that people can be obedient before they join. There are many people who are obedient to god and don't belong to this church.  She was not happy with me. But then he spoke up and said that not just the new people and investigators who have to be obedient. But it's a message/lesson for everyone not to be complacent about following the commandments, especially members. She was very quiet during Relief Society. 
That lesson also irked me. World moral discipline.  World meaning USA.  Yeesh. 
One of my favorite people hugged me today.  She's always so peaceful and soothing. It was a good day.

Lunch with the cult

I went to lunch today with RP. She's married to a higher up in the church. She's not a likable person. But then...there are times when I'm not either. I wonder why she wants lunch with me. She does it about once a month. I think she likes having someone who's not involved to talk at. But I realized today that she also uses this time to proselytize about the church to me. In fact, she tries to be friendly while she's doing it and tries to make it very friendly.  Yet it sits a little off with me.  Almost like she's trying too hard.  The final push for the day was genealogy.  She wanted me to know how exciting it is to find my family. And do the work for them. I miss the concept, I guess. I won't tell him because then he'll lecture me about genealogy and how important it is. I think she sees it as her home teaching or something.  Her duty to make sure I know what I'm missing and how unfulfilled I should feel. I don't feel unfulfilled. I don't feel like I'm missing anything.  What I do feel is I'm tired of hearing about it.
I feel like I'm being guilted into going to church.  He comes home on the Sundays I don't go and tells me who missed me and asked after me.  One person has made it her mission to call me if I miss it.  I don't like phones. And Wednesday when I was tutoring, the mother asked me if I was quitting.  I feel a bit resentful about it. I wish they would leave me alone.  He said it's because they like me.  And now he's pushing me to be friends with a new member, babysitting for them, and hanging out.  It annoys me. I don't care what he does with his time or who he sees....but he's not allowed to volunteer me.  And then expect me to be okay with it.  Not. Okay.

Sometimes.....

I am incredibly touchy when it comes to my beliefs. I take offense when my spirituality comes up.  And I take what he says personally.  Last night he said he taught a Wiccan. And then started asking me questions. Now I looked into Wicca. I firmly believe in it but I quit because of him.  How stupid is that?!?!?!  Giving him control like that. I know what I believe. Everytime it comes up, though, he has to equate it with his religion and how his god created everything. I hate that. He doesn't understand why I get upset and I am not sophisticated enough to explain it clearly. I know it annoys me and I end up in tears.  Always.  I feel like I ruin his spiritual high.

I didn't go with him today. I don't want to go. I go because I miss him and it seems like the only way I can be with him. Still....today I didn't want to go. I don't really want to go anymore.  I've voiced it before but haven't managed to follow through.  I wish I was stronger and could. 

Still another calling...

I don't mind that he has all these callings.  He really enjoys them and it makes him happy.  So that makes me happy.  It just makes me giggle that a church who's sole purpose revolves around the family keeps their adult members so busy that they have no family time.  I guess that's why there is family night.  Still giggling.  =-D

And..

And it would seem that she and I have very similar religious views. It's actually quite funny.  Before he went on his anti-religious rant, we were already heading away from organized religion.  I don't know if I'll follow hers exactly but I like thinking of making my own: Wicca and Buddhism.  Those two appeal to me.  So why can't I mix them?  She says I can. 

It was a great talk.  Lots of laughter.  And she looked up Temples.  I think she's waiting for a time to tell him he's wrong.  His church isn't the only one with temples.  They're just the only ones who build at such a voracious rate!

Now I'm done. =D

The Real Reason....

This is baptism season. I will be hiding out until the fervor passes. So far there are 7 slated. I'm happy that people are finding something they like but hate the reprecussions when someone remembers I'm not a member. It can be frustrating.

I talked to her today about religion. And maybe part of the reason I don't want to be baptized is because there isn't a real history attached to this religion. It feels made up. (I was thinking of another word but it left me.) Plus, it's the religion. I have a hard time with a prophet although I know the Catholic church has a pope.  They aren't that different.  So I'll let that go.  The biggest reason why I've never been baptized...and the true reason...is because I don't believe in the bible.

That's right. I said it.

To me, the bible is a really good fairy tale. It has all the horrors and happy endings and fables/parables with the lesson at the end that other fairy tales have. It has interesting characters (but horrid language) and I have my favorite stories.  But to me, that's all they are.  Stories.  Used to scare people and keep them in line.  Add the new fairy tale book from them and you have an almost complete set.  I can't sit down and debate the merits of the bible as a "testament" if I don't see it that way.  He sees it as a flaw and once told me I need to pray because it might be different now. No. 

I remember when I was younger and read the Children's Catholic Bible. It had pretty pictures and great stories and really engaged me. I'd read it as a bed time story to myself (and my ultra-cool hippo). Maybe that's what started it. I just know that reading it as an adult doesn't interest me. I read the stories I want and I know where to find them. I hate it otherwise.

One of the problems I face, though--and it's completely my fault--I mentioned once that I used to talk to Jesus and he used to talk to me. When I was very little (starting at 4) he would visit every afternoon and we would chat. I didn't see him as anyone special or as anyone other than my friend. Yet, I told him, and it was a VERY BIG DEAL.  I don't see it. And I outgrew it. Partly because I lived through what he was there for and partly because someone needed him more. I wish I'd never told him.

Baptism season is in full affect. Avoidance Island is now open.

Sometimes it's a good day

With so many baptisms happening, focus is shifting on me. Now I would have been upset before. I would have ranted for hours and made him miserable as he tried to fix it. He has been my knight. He heads them off. But the frenzy is getting to a pitch and I can hear people whisper. It sounds like I'm paranoid but I'm not. When people start sentences with "I'm not pressuring you toward baptism....", then the pressure is definitely added. He said over his dead body will they talk to me about baptism. He's on a crusade. It's very sweet.

Today was a good day. There is a new family being baptized next Saturday. They are a really sweet family and very sure of what they're doing. Crazy. And they aren't letting the people of the ward get to them. And they're trying. They won't pronounce their name right, they ignore her husband, but they love the kids.

Last night was a game night at the church. The children came with their mom. And everyone ignored her! She sat next to me and they'd come over to say hi to me but would ignore her when I introduced her or reminded people who she is. It was sad and made me slightly angry. She eventually left with a "headache" and I couldn't talk her out of it. She wants to belong to this church because she sees that it's doing a lot for her kids but they won't embrace her because she's Hispanic and is afraid to speak English. Argh.

But there is still hope. I know that. I feel that.

What I've learned...

Recently I've been focusing on him and his religion and how it affects me. To be fair, I can create drama out of anything and his religion and his thinking is no different. They don't affect me, really. They have nothing to do with me. But I feel he and I are so intertwined that I should think like he thinks and believe like he believes. And I buck every time. It's not healthy. I would like to say it was easier before he converted. But it truly wasn't. It was just a different set of issues. And I have become a different person than the one that put up with his crap before. I think for myself and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Saying no to baptism isn't as difficult as finding what I want.

So I've put my spiritual quest on the back burner. It bothers me. Like I'm missing something and it's not organized religion. Today I decided to start feeling my way again. I know where I want to go and what I want to do. I just lack the courage to do it. And I lack the courage because I don't want him to look down on me, be disappointed, or tell me I'm wrong. Honestly, I don't think he'd do any of those things. I think he'd be happy if I just did it. I'm going to screw up my courage and embark.

Wish me luck! :0)