It was a sneaky night

I did the missionary dinner thing tonight. She joined us and then took them to a play/musical. I don't know what it was. She volunteered, which was impressive.  At the end of the dinner, though, they snuck in a lesson. About how a person sometimes has to give up family to follow the true path, the true savior, whatever. And it'll work out in the next life or now. It was annoying. And then one of them said he really enjoys when I go to the baptisms. I don't know what that means. I know that people firmly believe the more baptisms I go to the more I'll fall into it and want to do it. The less likely I am to walk with the adversary, whatever that means. I don't believe in the adversary or the devil. I believe that Lucifer was terribly misunderstood. Victor Hugo wrote an excellent poem about the fall of Lucifer. Even he said Lucifer was misunderstood. I get tired of hearing how I'm robbing myself from the true experience by not doing what they want. I'm tired of discussing it. Done.

Just another Sunday

Today I felt morally offended as people were talking about eternal marriage/families. I hate that they tell me that I will never be with him again because I'm not baptized. Personally, I believe he and I have gone through many lives together. And maybe in my last life I was LDS and he wasn't and I hated it because he wasn't so I decided this time not to do it.  I don't think he'll understand that.
I was sitting in the investigator's class and came face to face with "Know it all" Guy. The one who pounces on words to make his point.  The one who can't wait to tell the other person s/he is wrong. I don't like those type of people. I'm actually finding that I'm not liking a lot of things. One of the saddest side affects of my not liking things is that I'm not very good with animals or small children anymore. I used to be great with them.  Now....not so much. I feel that loss.
The rest of the day is uneventful.

Sometimes I wish for silence

Sometimes I don't want to talk about religion or how it affects me. I don't want to be told that I'm fighting my natural inclination and should be baptized. I want to be accepted for who I am and not who they think I should be.  Tonight was a baptism. I did not go. I didn't want to go. I don't feel like I need to be there for everything that happens in the church. He looked disappointed. And then it feels like he tries to make me feel guilty for not going because of all the people who ask about me. I don't have an obligation to them or to him. It was his decision to join the church. He can't expect me to go along when it's no longer his decision what I do. Boy, I wish he'd get that already.

Lots of Laughter

Tonight was De-Stress Night. It was my first time. It's a night for the women of the church to get together, laugh, play, and learn. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed myself. Really. I didn't think I would. I love a certain group of women. They are the ones I gravitate to every time we're in the same room.  So I sat with my peeps. It was especially nice because he stayed to watch the children. It would not have been possible if he didn't.  I think I'm looking forward to next time. :)

Please don't pick my friends

I like a lot of the women in the church. I truly do. But I don't like socializing with them. I actually don't like socializing. And I don't like being told they'd make great friends....better than the ones I have now. It makes me cranky. I wish he wouldn't try to push me into friendships with people because they'd be good for me or have a positive impact on me or whatever the reason is. I think the underlying reason will always come back to my soul. Like I said, I generally like some of the women. I just don't want to see people all the time.

Dilemma

I went to Mass when I was in Salt Lake.  It was disappointing. I'm pretty sure I wrote about it. But I am still feeling that pull to go to Mass.  Tuesday is my great aunt's funeral.  I think I'm going to Mass before school to light a candle for her and say some prayers. I'm glad she's reunited with her family and Jim.

I don't understand this pull. I feel so tired of conforming with his church and trying to bend my mind to fit his way of thinking. Each time I think of going, I feel dread. I thought I was over it but I'm not.  Especially since this pull started. I'm going to church tomorrow with him. It's testimony Sunday and it's what I do. But I find myself not wanting to stay for the whole day. Maybe I won't.  I don't know. I'm so tired of everything. I'm so tired of trying. I want something for myself without wanting his approval or worried about making him happy. Making him happy is making me very unhappy.

It's time for a change. And the time is now.

Exhausting but rewarding

Last week was Spring Break and we decided to go to Salt Lake early.Yesterday, for Easter, I decided to experience an Easter Mass once more. I missed the one I really wanted to go to but went to the one in the evening with them.  He volunteered to go.  It was short.  University Masses usually are. Then we went back to their house and he started asking questions.  He didn't say anything that was offensive.  She didn't say anything defensive.  I do think she was testing a little to see if he would jump into his doctrine. But he didn't. I was impressed.  Today we came home.  Exhausted but so glad to be home.  :)

Interesting in a museum/history kind of way

Tuesday we toured Temple Square.  We walked through the visitor centers, the tabernacle, and the assembly hall. We had two very sweet and knowledgeable sister missionaries. And it was interesting. If I kept in mind that this is their history and I didn't hear any doctrine, it was good. He said they're very good about not trying to convert while on this particular mission.  I did enjoy it. My favorite part was the roof garden above the conference hall. It was incredibly impressive. But it goes to waste because you can't go up there unless you have a guide.  How sad is that? All that beauty and it can't be shared with you and god. There has to be a chaperone.