Disintegration

I am watching my marriage fail.  I'm looking on the outside and feeling it on the inside and watching it fail.  I'm watching it as it's pushed aside to satisfy some sort of Faith that I am not privvy to.  And then I'm told that it's me.  My faith is lacking.  I'm supposed to have faith that what he's doing is the right thing to do: spend all our money on who knows what?  Last week it was $4000 on food.  This week it's $5000 on something else.  He says we have lacked for nothing.  It does not matter to him that we have come close to losing our house twice, they want to repo our cars, and we're filing for bankruptcy.  This is his faith.  I do not have it so I can't understand what god is showing him.  He wants me to watch death and destruction on the internet so that I could fully appreciate what he's doing and where he's going.  This is his faith.  And because I do not follow blindly anymore, we argue all the time.  Or don't talk.  We have grown so far apart.  The failure of a marriage.  If I suggest counseling, the counselor will not understand and it will be twisted to be my fault again.  I am not at fault all the time.  My faith has gotten me through 22 years of marriage.  I never thought I would have a failed one.  But here it is.  I know if I start to pack up the things and sort through them, that it's over.  It's just a matter of moving somewhere with them.  He says he's had revelation and may be moving to Missouri because UT and NV will be under ocean water.  I can't stand talking to him about this stuff.  I hate hearing it and it has sucked the joy out of so many moments.   Faith.  I don't think he knows what it is.  He is more radical and I can't do it anymore.

Feeling the Burn....

I don't like getting in the car anymore when we're going on trips.  I don't mind talking about religion.  I do mind being forced to talk about my beliefs because it's the thing to do.  I have a difficult time lately with religion.  I miss the private part of my life.  I didn't talk about spirituality because he mocked it all the time.  And now I'm supposed to forget that and pretend it never took place.  I'm supposed to welcome this talk with open arms.  I hate being trapped.  I hate feeling exposed.  I hate that we're in two different places and he sees my place as wrong.  He sees me as lagging.  I'm frustrated.  I'm peeved.  I'm not looking forward too much to the next road trip.