So it begins

Today, for the first time ever, I sat in church without rolling my eyes. I was so relaxed, in fact, that I found myself making jokes and snarky comments. He encouraged me. Bad! XD But it was fun. 

I normally wear an Om bracelet. I sit and say "Hum Mani Padme Ohm" during prayer because it calms me and centers me. I actually feel more peace by repeating that mantra than I have ever felt with prayer. I generally visualize what I want and where I want to go so I did that, too. It was nice. I was still exhausted when I came home but that had nothing to do with the overall church population or church. Mostly with the children. The pictures are clearer and I am excited.

Today was a good day.

Another Baptism

Tonight was a really nice baptism. Sometimes I want to ask the person what exactly made them make this decision. Because they have such issues (tonight the woman used to smoke but hasn't for a week) and suddenly they don't? I don't understand. Perhaps if I blindly jumped in I may see what they see.  Except that I'd feel like such a hypocrite. I already feel like one because I don't believe. It's not that I don't get it. I understand that people are searching for something and the missionaries catch them on that one day where they're more open than others. I do understand that. And people get caught up in the excitement and the attention so they jump in with both feet. Then the newness wears off and suddenly they're left on their own to figure out the next step. It's sad. For this one day, though, their eyes are shining and full of hope.  I will never be one to take that away. 
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I have always been drawn to the Middle Eastern religions. Not so much Islam because the Koran is similar. They have prophets and I just can't do that. I'm talking about Hindu, Buddhism, and one other that escapes my mind. I investigated Buddhism before. But he didn't like it. Said it wasn't really a religion. And that's part of the appeal. It doesn't have a church house (it can and does here but I don't have to go) and it's based on something I believe. I want to mingle it with a type of Wicca because that also has a base I believe in. I've been feeling the pull to go my own way, to make my sanctuary. When I can do that, I can associate with his church with no guilt. And I will no longer care about his expectations.  I'll keep you posted. :-)

Wish I was Stronger

Since I realized how much I detest the church, I made the mental decision to not go anymore. To really stick to my guns and just quit. I don't enjoy going. I like some of the people but I don't want to go for them anymore. And I'm tired of hearing him say how much he misses me when I'm not there. He tells me all the time how much he misses me. The thing is: I'm home all the time. He's busy with the church. And maybe I'm a little resentful of that. However, I know that I'll be there next week. I'll put on my pretty church clothes and go because it's the end of the month. And then everyone will tell me how they missed me and some will wonder where I was. I don't care. But I'm not strong when it comes to this. To pleasing him and making him happy by going. However, I withhold and make him pay in other ways. This isn't good.  Or healthy. I need to be stronger and stick to my decisions. Maybe then I won't make him pay in other ways.

Sometimes I hate

When he comes home from his church days....and I don't go...it's almost always horrible. He tells me it's not the same if I'm not there and he can't enjoy it nearly as much or get as much out of it. Or something like that. He swears he's not trying to make me feel guilty because guilt isn't his thing anymore. But he drops it on me anyway. I know it's not about me. It's his problem. Still hate hearing about it. :-(

It's okay

In RS,all I heard was blah, blah, blah. I'm sure it was a good lesson and it had to do with their prophet. But it's obvious I don't have a very open mind when it comes to these things. In fact, their prophet and my pope are so similar and I'm disenchanted with the pope. So...

An interesting side note: a woman stood up today to say what helps her get through everything. She said her husband isn't a member and could never understand her want to go to the temple. But..and this is the part that gets to me...he--a nonmember--had to sign off for her to go to the temple. It had to be in writing that it was okay with him--A NONMEMBER--for her to go to the temple. What the heck?????  I'm waiting for him to come home so I can get clarification. Seriously.  And women are superior....idiots.

It's really none of their business

Sunday was interesting. I was only there for sacrament because I had to study for finals. It's getting more difficult to go because he's so busy with his people, he has no time to say anything to me. Yet he tells me he's happy I'm there. Of course he is. It means I'm not out exploring other religions! 

But Sunday, after sacrament, a new convert asked me a question of the man before conversion. I'm the first to admit that he was a maniac. He had a temper that would terrify me sometimes. But I learned to cope. I guess he talked about it with the NC because the NC asked me about it. So I was honest. Really, a lot of the people in that church would go to the shop and see him in all his raging glory so it's not like I was telling secrets. NC wants me to find the tape I have of raging maniac but I feel uncomfortable with that. I feel uncomfortable having to prove that he was like that when he's not really now.

(Oh, he still has the crazy glint in his eyes. Now, though, he's not alone. It's creepy walking into the foyer and having everyone turn with that same crazy look and big smiles.)

Anyway, after telling NC about his rages, NC asked me why, after witnessing such a miracle, I wasn't baptized yet? Obviously that would have turned anyone. Why not me?  I told him I have issues with the church that I need to reconcile before I did it. And then I was a little angry because it sounded like I was defending my decision.  I told him I didn't really appreciate the conversation.  He said not to take it personally. It's just too much after the missionary dinner. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I want to stop completely.


I'm thinking, too, I want to go back to the Catholic church. I know I mentioned it before but I really want to do it. I think this Saturday is a good time to go. Even though there's a bbq I am expected to attend for his church. I don't care. 


Meh. >:-/