Talking and Listening

After last night's revelry, I came home and talked with Dave about his thinking. I told him it disturbed me that his thinking was skewed into the mormon way. He apologized. He said he didn't realize it. He would be more aware of it. And try not to fall into that trap. We'll see.

When did that happen????

Somewhere in the last two years, he started thinking like them. Somewhere in the last two years, he started adopting their stance on issues that are polar opposite to what he used to believe. I must have blinked. I don't know when it happened. I don't know how it happened. But it happened. And it caught me completely off guard. He used to say that the gays were special people placed on earth for a higher good because they have to put up with so much. Now he says he agrees with the cult's stance. He used to say that it was wrong to baptize dead people without the knowledge of the family. Now he wants to know what the big deal is. And yet, in every other way, he appears normal.

I blame the Mormon special that was on tv. But that's only a symptom. That's what made me realize his thinking changed. Somehow, I forgot to add that religious fanaticism is a deal breaker. It really bothers me and he doesn't see why.

He also acts like I'm prolonging the inevitable. He talks about when I go to temple with him. The only way I'm going is if it's not dedicated yet. Right now, I feel disgust and I'm glad I'm not going tomorrow. This is all too much to process.

Sometimes it's enough

Last weekend, I felt guilty because I didn't go to church. This week, I felt a little guilty because scouts was canceled. And then I realized how ridiculous that is to feel guilty for not doing something I hate doing!

I go to church to spend time with him. I go to church because it brings him joy and peace. I like seeing that. I go to church because I don't want to disappoint him and, as much as he says I don't, I feel I do every time I say I'm not going. I don't like going. I like visiting with the people but I also am always aware that they're trying to get me pulled in. I don't like that they have an agenda.

We discussed baptism. Actually, he brought it up and said he thought we could talk about it like two adults having a conversation. But when it comes up, I feel he has an agenda. How horrible is that???? I may have over-reacted. :-) I told him that I know where I'm going and I don't need to be a part of an organized religion to get there. That if he was concerned with my soul, that was his problem. I was baptized once. I was confirmed once. And I don't want to go through that again. I don't want to feel that oily, clammyness creep on me. He said he was speaking generalities. I don't think so. It is a touchy subject. We don't talk about it because I do react. Agendas. You know, it wouldn't be so bad if people were just honest. I do believe him when he says I don't have to be a member. I don't have to go to church. Because when he says it, he means it. I am tired of it all.

Missouri is creeping back into his vocabulary. I may have missed the opportunity for UT. I'm digging in my heels. That is all.

Secrets

I hate keeping secrets. I am probably one of the worst secret keepers in the world. I can keep them and I do. But I hate it. I have always believed that a husband and wife should have no secrets. I do have secrets from him but they aren't my secrets, they're hers. So I'm not really breaking my belief. I tell him everything unless I'm told specifically not to. But now....now his religion has made us keep secrets. It's very demoralizing to a marriage for a member to keep secrets from a nonmember. It makes it more difficult for me to see what the benefits are of becoming a member. Instead, I feel icky when I think of joining. I get this oily, creepy feeling crawling down my skin and that's not natural.
Since he's joined, he can't talk about what he does outside of what I can see. I can't question him. I can't peek. And since he has so much invested in his cult, he talks of nothing else. So our conversations are now limited to surface talk. I can fill any void with any words but I miss that give and take we used to have.
I can see why nonmembers join. If their spouse is a member, these nonmembers join just so they have that normal conversation again. So they don't feel excluded anymore. So they don't feel like the red-headed stepchild.
I don't like what his religion is doing. I don't think it actually believes in the sanctity of marriage between a member and nonmember. I think it does its best to drive a wedge between the two so they'll divorce and the member can marry someone more worthy. That's not going to happen in my marriage. I'm not going to give in to the pressures just to make some strangers happy and to make him talk to me. But I'm also not going to sit quietly by while it tries to drive in that wedge.
I hate secrets. And this church promotes them. Something is definitely not right.

Stupid....stupid...stupid

There is nothing worse than getting a lecture about religion from a 13 year old who is only parroting what his parents think. There is nothing more annoying to me than to hear about another religion and they're wrong. And when I call them on it, they act like I'm the crazy one.
Tuesday the boy brought up baptism. He said I really need to get with it and do it because I could die tomorrow and burn in hell. For some reason, Catholicism came up. Now this boy has been LDS his whole life. He's never even visited another religion or church. But he told me about the Catholic churches and what the Catholics believe in and wouldn't shut up. I told him he needs to do research before he opens his mouth. I told him I was Catholic (though not practicing) and he said I need to go back to the Catholic church because they don't need my kind in his. Really? My religion converts to his religion! It's ridiculous. It's left a sour taste in my mouth.
He is back to moving to Missouri. I can feel it. I can sense it. And it's not going to be pretty.

Something to ponder

Yesterday was weird. It was a church day. I went. But after church, he and I were talking about it and he said he would really like it if I didn't go anymore. He would prefer it if I stayed home, read or whatever, and talked to him instead of listening to all those people. I think he thinks it will make it easier to convert me. But I also think he feels like they're taking little snipes at me. Whatever. This is the second time he's mentioned me not going anymore. I think I'm taking him up on it this time.