About God....

The most annoying aspect of religions, for me, is the God thing.  I understand that he's a big deal but it annoys me when people leave it up to God.  Whatever happens is in the grand plan or is God's will or was supposed to happen. It feels like a cop out to me. I do my best to keep these opinions to myself.  Being married to an ultra-religious person and not really believing in God makes for an interesting household.  You never really know how little you talk until you limit the topics.  Thankfully, that's passed but it was hard for a while. 
He keeps saying he can't wait until I'm temple worthy.  I tell him that could take years or even death.  I do not feel compelled to be a part of any church.  In fact, I find them constricting the more I'm involved with his.  I wish it was different.  But every Sunday I go, I sit and wonder what makes them so different?  Nothing.  They're still unhappy.  They're still lacking faith.  They're still human.  So why is it so important that people join their cult?  It's the numbers.
This Sunday I ranted about Joseph Smith and his "martyrdom".  It's good that he's patient and will listen.  But he doesn't agree with me.  Of course not!  It's my opinion.  I don't see that being reconciled to become a member.  It's funny....I told him I was more interested in Emma and could see myself joining her church.  How interesting and awkward would that be?!?!?!?!?  Yet it is tempting.  I've done research.  I've read about it.  And it's intrigues me.  I will probably do nothing about it but it does give me moments of pleasure to see him squirm. 
I should stop that: torturing him.  He swears I'm not.  I'll take his word for it.  Maybe I'll make that one of my new year resolutions. 

General Conference

Last weekend was General Conference. He goes every time.  And he really wishes I would go.  If I experience it, maybe I'll feel the urge to convert.  He swears that isn't what he's doing. But he takes these little overt swipes and I catch them on the end.  Then I mull about it. I have a cousin who has decided that what is wrong with our relationship is our difference in religion.  She's the same as him.  We did have ONE conversation about it and she turned it to my dad.  If I got over my dad issues, maybe I could see the true religion.  It wasn't the religious talk that irked me, it was the bashing of my dad.  I know he wasn't the best person but he was all I had and I don't need a stranger bashing on him.  I can do that on my own.  That's what upset me but she took it as her religion.  I think she's one that hides behind religion so she doesn't have to face anything else.  This weekend is fast Sunday.  I don't want to go.  I find that I'm going more than I want to.  I'm working on that.  I'm finding my way.  I don't want theirs.

Disintegration

I am watching my marriage fail.  I'm looking on the outside and feeling it on the inside and watching it fail.  I'm watching it as it's pushed aside to satisfy some sort of Faith that I am not privvy to.  And then I'm told that it's me.  My faith is lacking.  I'm supposed to have faith that what he's doing is the right thing to do: spend all our money on who knows what?  Last week it was $4000 on food.  This week it's $5000 on something else.  He says we have lacked for nothing.  It does not matter to him that we have come close to losing our house twice, they want to repo our cars, and we're filing for bankruptcy.  This is his faith.  I do not have it so I can't understand what god is showing him.  He wants me to watch death and destruction on the internet so that I could fully appreciate what he's doing and where he's going.  This is his faith.  And because I do not follow blindly anymore, we argue all the time.  Or don't talk.  We have grown so far apart.  The failure of a marriage.  If I suggest counseling, the counselor will not understand and it will be twisted to be my fault again.  I am not at fault all the time.  My faith has gotten me through 22 years of marriage.  I never thought I would have a failed one.  But here it is.  I know if I start to pack up the things and sort through them, that it's over.  It's just a matter of moving somewhere with them.  He says he's had revelation and may be moving to Missouri because UT and NV will be under ocean water.  I can't stand talking to him about this stuff.  I hate hearing it and it has sucked the joy out of so many moments.   Faith.  I don't think he knows what it is.  He is more radical and I can't do it anymore.

Feeling the Burn....

I don't like getting in the car anymore when we're going on trips.  I don't mind talking about religion.  I do mind being forced to talk about my beliefs because it's the thing to do.  I have a difficult time lately with religion.  I miss the private part of my life.  I didn't talk about spirituality because he mocked it all the time.  And now I'm supposed to forget that and pretend it never took place.  I'm supposed to welcome this talk with open arms.  I hate being trapped.  I hate feeling exposed.  I hate that we're in two different places and he sees my place as wrong.  He sees me as lagging.  I'm frustrated.  I'm peeved.  I'm not looking forward too much to the next road trip.