Dilemma

I went to Mass when I was in Salt Lake.  It was disappointing. I'm pretty sure I wrote about it. But I am still feeling that pull to go to Mass.  Tuesday is my great aunt's funeral.  I think I'm going to Mass before school to light a candle for her and say some prayers. I'm glad she's reunited with her family and Jim.

I don't understand this pull. I feel so tired of conforming with his church and trying to bend my mind to fit his way of thinking. Each time I think of going, I feel dread. I thought I was over it but I'm not.  Especially since this pull started. I'm going to church tomorrow with him. It's testimony Sunday and it's what I do. But I find myself not wanting to stay for the whole day. Maybe I won't.  I don't know. I'm so tired of everything. I'm so tired of trying. I want something for myself without wanting his approval or worried about making him happy. Making him happy is making me very unhappy.

It's time for a change. And the time is now.