Secrets

I hate keeping secrets. I am probably one of the worst secret keepers in the world. I can keep them and I do. But I hate it. I have always believed that a husband and wife should have no secrets. I do have secrets from him but they aren't my secrets, they're hers. So I'm not really breaking my belief. I tell him everything unless I'm told specifically not to. But now....now his religion has made us keep secrets. It's very demoralizing to a marriage for a member to keep secrets from a nonmember. It makes it more difficult for me to see what the benefits are of becoming a member. Instead, I feel icky when I think of joining. I get this oily, creepy feeling crawling down my skin and that's not natural.
Since he's joined, he can't talk about what he does outside of what I can see. I can't question him. I can't peek. And since he has so much invested in his cult, he talks of nothing else. So our conversations are now limited to surface talk. I can fill any void with any words but I miss that give and take we used to have.
I can see why nonmembers join. If their spouse is a member, these nonmembers join just so they have that normal conversation again. So they don't feel excluded anymore. So they don't feel like the red-headed stepchild.
I don't like what his religion is doing. I don't think it actually believes in the sanctity of marriage between a member and nonmember. I think it does its best to drive a wedge between the two so they'll divorce and the member can marry someone more worthy. That's not going to happen in my marriage. I'm not going to give in to the pressures just to make some strangers happy and to make him talk to me. But I'm also not going to sit quietly by while it tries to drive in that wedge.
I hate secrets. And this church promotes them. Something is definitely not right.

Stupid....stupid...stupid

There is nothing worse than getting a lecture about religion from a 13 year old who is only parroting what his parents think. There is nothing more annoying to me than to hear about another religion and they're wrong. And when I call them on it, they act like I'm the crazy one.
Tuesday the boy brought up baptism. He said I really need to get with it and do it because I could die tomorrow and burn in hell. For some reason, Catholicism came up. Now this boy has been LDS his whole life. He's never even visited another religion or church. But he told me about the Catholic churches and what the Catholics believe in and wouldn't shut up. I told him he needs to do research before he opens his mouth. I told him I was Catholic (though not practicing) and he said I need to go back to the Catholic church because they don't need my kind in his. Really? My religion converts to his religion! It's ridiculous. It's left a sour taste in my mouth.
He is back to moving to Missouri. I can feel it. I can sense it. And it's not going to be pretty.

Something to ponder

Yesterday was weird. It was a church day. I went. But after church, he and I were talking about it and he said he would really like it if I didn't go anymore. He would prefer it if I stayed home, read or whatever, and talked to him instead of listening to all those people. I think he thinks it will make it easier to convert me. But I also think he feels like they're taking little snipes at me. Whatever. This is the second time he's mentioned me not going anymore. I think I'm taking him up on it this time.

Today has been okay

Tonight was a baptism night.  He performed the baptism and said the wrong thing!  The poor girl had to go back under.  Still, it was a good, yet uninspiring, baptism.

During the "intermission"--while they were changing--we had to write our testimonies.  The missionary passed out the paper and pens and sat down to write.  He gave me paper.  Did not give me pen.  It was almost like he was fighting with himself to offer me a pen.  After five minutes, where I felt a little humiliated, he finally offered me a pen.  I don't know why I didn't ask for one.  I could have.  And I don't really have a testimony, according to that church.  But I wrote something for the girl.  He said not to take it personally.  I do, though.  Every time I'm around that church, someone reminds me of my "lack of baptism".   So I felt like he was saying I wasn't good enough to write anything for the girl since I haven't been baptized.  He said I was making too much out of it.

I don't care.  I think they should concentrate on people who really want this particular gospel and leave me to my own little musings.  We're going to do this again on Feb. 6 when someone else is getting baptized and wants him to do it.  He's in great demand.  They want him for missionary work and baptism because he doesn't talk down to people or make them feel horrible for their first religion.  He's come a long way since he was baptized.

An interesting thing happened on the way to the Casbah

Wednesday was a bad day at the church. It actually angered me and I came home and ranted to him. It's his church, after all.  And he said that he wishes I wouldn't go there anymore.  He said they're just reinforcing my negative beliefs about his church. I don't think he realizes that the church is just a small part of it.  I don't think he's listening to the other reasons.  He said he wishes I'd resign my calling so I could get some space because those people are poisoning me.  I'd feel bad but for the first time in two years, he made some sense.

Faeries

She started a faery garden to go with her Wicca garden.  She has specific plants for her faeries.  But if they're displeased, she said they create havoc.  She said they were displeased the other night and popped a hole in her bed.  Such excitement!

I like the idea of faery gardens.  They're pretty.  I thought about creating one for myself but outside. I found an idea for one with a bird bath.  Faeries can be good or bad but if they're taken care of, they don't normally cause trouble.  I think I'm going to read more about faeries.

I find it interesting to see them interact, the daughter and the father.  I watch them and how she tries, he tries but one conversation can take it all back to square negative.  The other day I started a conversation about religion and philosophy.  Actually, I was repeating what my teacher said.  I find it funny (not in a ha-ha kind of way) that he gets so upset when people say something against religion or god.  And every time a religious conversation comes up, he has to bring up Wicca.  Well, she's a practitioner.  She knows way more than me.  And he speaks so absolute about what all religions
believe. She was having none of it. She told him he may want to do more research on what Wicca believes and not quote one branch and think that is the one.  Wicca is so eclectic that there are multiple branches and many ways to practice.  He read one way and believes that is the way of all Wiccans. It is a huge division between them.  They'll work it out.  Maybe.

A bout of malaise.....

The other day I tutored a 13 year old LDS boy. And we went to the college down the street to study. I thought we should have snacks/drinks to fortify us in our studying.  I bought tea. I obviously wasn't thinking. The next thing I know I'm being lectured by him about how I'm not supposed to be drinking tea. I'm not baptized, I say. Which surprises him. He thought I was. He thought I was hard core because I'm always at the church. He asked if I was Christian. I said yes. And feel horrible for lying.  It's true that I believe in Jesus. It goes further than that. But the rest.....meh.  He has decided he will recruit D and they will save my soul. He doesn't want to think of me stuck in outer darkness because I didn't accept the "true gospel". I am a firm believer that I will not be in outer darkness. I know I will be wherever D is.  If he's in outer darkness, then that's where I'll be. It's not high on my priority list. Obviously, though, my priorities are messed up. I don't care. He did apologize to me for judging me.  He still feels that he has to convert me.  Tutoring him will be very interesting indeed.