Something to ponder

Yesterday was weird. It was a church day. I went. But after church, he and I were talking about it and he said he would really like it if I didn't go anymore. He would prefer it if I stayed home, read or whatever, and talked to him instead of listening to all those people. I think he thinks it will make it easier to convert me. But I also think he feels like they're taking little snipes at me. Whatever. This is the second time he's mentioned me not going anymore. I think I'm taking him up on it this time.

Today has been okay

Tonight was a baptism night.  He performed the baptism and said the wrong thing!  The poor girl had to go back under.  Still, it was a good, yet uninspiring, baptism.

During the "intermission"--while they were changing--we had to write our testimonies.  The missionary passed out the paper and pens and sat down to write.  He gave me paper.  Did not give me pen.  It was almost like he was fighting with himself to offer me a pen.  After five minutes, where I felt a little humiliated, he finally offered me a pen.  I don't know why I didn't ask for one.  I could have.  And I don't really have a testimony, according to that church.  But I wrote something for the girl.  He said not to take it personally.  I do, though.  Every time I'm around that church, someone reminds me of my "lack of baptism".   So I felt like he was saying I wasn't good enough to write anything for the girl since I haven't been baptized.  He said I was making too much out of it.

I don't care.  I think they should concentrate on people who really want this particular gospel and leave me to my own little musings.  We're going to do this again on Feb. 6 when someone else is getting baptized and wants him to do it.  He's in great demand.  They want him for missionary work and baptism because he doesn't talk down to people or make them feel horrible for their first religion.  He's come a long way since he was baptized.

An interesting thing happened on the way to the Casbah

Wednesday was a bad day at the church. It actually angered me and I came home and ranted to him. It's his church, after all.  And he said that he wishes I wouldn't go there anymore.  He said they're just reinforcing my negative beliefs about his church. I don't think he realizes that the church is just a small part of it.  I don't think he's listening to the other reasons.  He said he wishes I'd resign my calling so I could get some space because those people are poisoning me.  I'd feel bad but for the first time in two years, he made some sense.

Faeries

She started a faery garden to go with her Wicca garden.  She has specific plants for her faeries.  But if they're displeased, she said they create havoc.  She said they were displeased the other night and popped a hole in her bed.  Such excitement!

I like the idea of faery gardens.  They're pretty.  I thought about creating one for myself but outside. I found an idea for one with a bird bath.  Faeries can be good or bad but if they're taken care of, they don't normally cause trouble.  I think I'm going to read more about faeries.

I find it interesting to see them interact, the daughter and the father.  I watch them and how she tries, he tries but one conversation can take it all back to square negative.  The other day I started a conversation about religion and philosophy.  Actually, I was repeating what my teacher said.  I find it funny (not in a ha-ha kind of way) that he gets so upset when people say something against religion or god.  And every time a religious conversation comes up, he has to bring up Wicca.  Well, she's a practitioner.  She knows way more than me.  And he speaks so absolute about what all religions
believe. She was having none of it. She told him he may want to do more research on what Wicca believes and not quote one branch and think that is the one.  Wicca is so eclectic that there are multiple branches and many ways to practice.  He read one way and believes that is the way of all Wiccans. It is a huge division between them.  They'll work it out.  Maybe.

A bout of malaise.....

The other day I tutored a 13 year old LDS boy. And we went to the college down the street to study. I thought we should have snacks/drinks to fortify us in our studying.  I bought tea. I obviously wasn't thinking. The next thing I know I'm being lectured by him about how I'm not supposed to be drinking tea. I'm not baptized, I say. Which surprises him. He thought I was. He thought I was hard core because I'm always at the church. He asked if I was Christian. I said yes. And feel horrible for lying.  It's true that I believe in Jesus. It goes further than that. But the rest.....meh.  He has decided he will recruit D and they will save my soul. He doesn't want to think of me stuck in outer darkness because I didn't accept the "true gospel". I am a firm believer that I will not be in outer darkness. I know I will be wherever D is.  If he's in outer darkness, then that's where I'll be. It's not high on my priority list. Obviously, though, my priorities are messed up. I don't care. He did apologize to me for judging me.  He still feels that he has to convert me.  Tutoring him will be very interesting indeed.

About God....

The most annoying aspect of religions, for me, is the God thing.  I understand that he's a big deal but it annoys me when people leave it up to God.  Whatever happens is in the grand plan or is God's will or was supposed to happen. It feels like a cop out to me. I do my best to keep these opinions to myself.  Being married to an ultra-religious person and not really believing in God makes for an interesting household.  You never really know how little you talk until you limit the topics.  Thankfully, that's passed but it was hard for a while. 
He keeps saying he can't wait until I'm temple worthy.  I tell him that could take years or even death.  I do not feel compelled to be a part of any church.  In fact, I find them constricting the more I'm involved with his.  I wish it was different.  But every Sunday I go, I sit and wonder what makes them so different?  Nothing.  They're still unhappy.  They're still lacking faith.  They're still human.  So why is it so important that people join their cult?  It's the numbers.
This Sunday I ranted about Joseph Smith and his "martyrdom".  It's good that he's patient and will listen.  But he doesn't agree with me.  Of course not!  It's my opinion.  I don't see that being reconciled to become a member.  It's funny....I told him I was more interested in Emma and could see myself joining her church.  How interesting and awkward would that be?!?!?!?!?  Yet it is tempting.  I've done research.  I've read about it.  And it's intrigues me.  I will probably do nothing about it but it does give me moments of pleasure to see him squirm. 
I should stop that: torturing him.  He swears I'm not.  I'll take his word for it.  Maybe I'll make that one of my new year resolutions. 

General Conference

Last weekend was General Conference. He goes every time.  And he really wishes I would go.  If I experience it, maybe I'll feel the urge to convert.  He swears that isn't what he's doing. But he takes these little overt swipes and I catch them on the end.  Then I mull about it. I have a cousin who has decided that what is wrong with our relationship is our difference in religion.  She's the same as him.  We did have ONE conversation about it and she turned it to my dad.  If I got over my dad issues, maybe I could see the true religion.  It wasn't the religious talk that irked me, it was the bashing of my dad.  I know he wasn't the best person but he was all I had and I don't need a stranger bashing on him.  I can do that on my own.  That's what upset me but she took it as her religion.  I think she's one that hides behind religion so she doesn't have to face anything else.  This weekend is fast Sunday.  I don't want to go.  I find that I'm going more than I want to.  I'm working on that.  I'm finding my way.  I don't want theirs.