How do I take this....

It's a given that he gets freaky when I don't go to church or the children don't. He doesn't get to talk to me about whatever he's learned if I'm not there. He comes back a little pouty and cranky. 


So the dilemma came up that she wants to take the car tonight so she can see her boyfriend and spend Father's Day with him and his dad. Since he doesn't do Father's Day. I asked if he would take me home. She could drop me off at church and he could take me home. Instead he said I need to stay home. He's been pushing me to go every Sunday for two years and now he's telling me not to go? Did he have a brain transplant or something? It just feels weird. I'm totally not used to hearing him say stay home. Don't go. Problem solved. It doesn't feel right. I think because it implies that he's given up which I'm grateful for but didn't think I'd ever see. Weird.

Tomorrow I get to stay home, work on my paper, relax, read, maybe do a little cleaning. I like that. :)

Skipped the day

I skipped the churchy day.  And he performed. Normally I try to be there when he sings. Today, though, I decided not to go. I get tired of their fakeness. That's what it feels like: their pretend smiles and their pretend good will. Not all of them. Just some of them. And they find me. When he left today he said he'd tell me how it went. He swears he's not trying to make me feel guilty but his tone definitely says something different. Not today. For a minute, I thought about going. Then decided not to. It was a split second of remorse and then it was gone. I don't want to feel pressured so I don't. I have enough pressure from me, my internal time line. I don't want/need more from something I don't believe in.

It's funny. C and I were talking about religion on Friday. We talked about the Bible and god and really covered a huge range. She said she looks to the Bible as a history book. She said that's what helps her believe it's a good book.  I told her I thought it was more fiction. It does have some wonderful stories: violence, happy endings, sad endings, etc. She said I could be wrong. And I know I'm in a minority (if there are any others who think that) but I believe the book is subjective since it is written by human hands. Just like the Book of Mormon. It was written by the human hand. Yes, god told Joseph to translate it but he still used words that weren't there. If he couldn't find the translation or didn't receive it, he placed a similar word.  Subjective. All history/writing is. If man is involved, then so are emotions and it's wrong. The truth is always somewhere in the middle.

And that's all I'm going to say about that.

Just a day

Today was Fast (Testimony) Sunday. The children didn't go. A family he's been teaching didn't go. And it puts him in a funk. I know that but that's not why I went today. I always go on Fast Sunday. I skip the majority of the month but I do get this one. I know I've said before that I don't enjoy this Sunday every month. I don't think people should be allowed to lecture others on how to live, especially if they aren't living it, on Fast Sunday. Or any other day. But this day especially. People throw out scriptures and "you will...." and it's uncomfortable. I expect them to pound the podium for emphasis. I feel the bishop should have better control of how the testimonies go. Maybe that's unrealistic but there you have it.

I like the Baptist church because they tell you straight up what to expect. Some of them do pound the podium and each time, a group is agreeing ("Amen, Brother!"). But they're upfront. They don't really do sneaky attacks. The Catholics, though not my favorite religion, will have a lecture ready on whatever problem/issue needs to be addressed or what lesson will benefit people more. I don't agree with their overall practices with the clergy but I think all religious beliefs are sound. Who am I to say one is better than another?

And that's my problem. I don't believe  religions have the right to look down on other religions. They all have the same basic belief in one supreme being. There are exceptions but I'm talking about the mainstream religions. It annoys me when someone says this religion is okay but.....I think that's a major pet peeve of mine with the LDS church. Well, there's two actually when it comes to religion:

1) That no religion is complete because they don't have the book of mormon. Therefore, people of the different religion are still blind and can't believe completely because they don't have a prophet or the b of m. Seriously.

2) That all other religions will only get to the bottom kingdom (telestial) because they don't believe in the true god. Huh? There's only one true god and the Mormons got him? Ridiculous!!!! I remember when the missionary glared at me because I refused to be baptized. He yelled at me, saying as his parting shot that he hoped I didn't die tomorrow because I was surely going to hell.  Really? Hell? I'm sure I'll be in good company. 

It doesn't endear them to me. And yet, I get sidelong glances because people who have been to the church twice and had their four lessons are baptized. Here I am, two years later (almost three) and still dragging my feet. I think those that are baptized quickly are the ones that are blind. He's right: a person needs eyes to see and ears to hear. Because of that, I know WITH CONVICTION that my decision is sound.

So it begins

Today, for the first time ever, I sat in church without rolling my eyes. I was so relaxed, in fact, that I found myself making jokes and snarky comments. He encouraged me. Bad! XD But it was fun. 

I normally wear an Om bracelet. I sit and say "Hum Mani Padme Ohm" during prayer because it calms me and centers me. I actually feel more peace by repeating that mantra than I have ever felt with prayer. I generally visualize what I want and where I want to go so I did that, too. It was nice. I was still exhausted when I came home but that had nothing to do with the overall church population or church. Mostly with the children. The pictures are clearer and I am excited.

Today was a good day.

Another Baptism

Tonight was a really nice baptism. Sometimes I want to ask the person what exactly made them make this decision. Because they have such issues (tonight the woman used to smoke but hasn't for a week) and suddenly they don't? I don't understand. Perhaps if I blindly jumped in I may see what they see.  Except that I'd feel like such a hypocrite. I already feel like one because I don't believe. It's not that I don't get it. I understand that people are searching for something and the missionaries catch them on that one day where they're more open than others. I do understand that. And people get caught up in the excitement and the attention so they jump in with both feet. Then the newness wears off and suddenly they're left on their own to figure out the next step. It's sad. For this one day, though, their eyes are shining and full of hope.  I will never be one to take that away. 
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I have always been drawn to the Middle Eastern religions. Not so much Islam because the Koran is similar. They have prophets and I just can't do that. I'm talking about Hindu, Buddhism, and one other that escapes my mind. I investigated Buddhism before. But he didn't like it. Said it wasn't really a religion. And that's part of the appeal. It doesn't have a church house (it can and does here but I don't have to go) and it's based on something I believe. I want to mingle it with a type of Wicca because that also has a base I believe in. I've been feeling the pull to go my own way, to make my sanctuary. When I can do that, I can associate with his church with no guilt. And I will no longer care about his expectations.  I'll keep you posted. :-)

Wish I was Stronger

Since I realized how much I detest the church, I made the mental decision to not go anymore. To really stick to my guns and just quit. I don't enjoy going. I like some of the people but I don't want to go for them anymore. And I'm tired of hearing him say how much he misses me when I'm not there. He tells me all the time how much he misses me. The thing is: I'm home all the time. He's busy with the church. And maybe I'm a little resentful of that. However, I know that I'll be there next week. I'll put on my pretty church clothes and go because it's the end of the month. And then everyone will tell me how they missed me and some will wonder where I was. I don't care. But I'm not strong when it comes to this. To pleasing him and making him happy by going. However, I withhold and make him pay in other ways. This isn't good.  Or healthy. I need to be stronger and stick to my decisions. Maybe then I won't make him pay in other ways.

Sometimes I hate

When he comes home from his church days....and I don't go...it's almost always horrible. He tells me it's not the same if I'm not there and he can't enjoy it nearly as much or get as much out of it. Or something like that. He swears he's not trying to make me feel guilty because guilt isn't his thing anymore. But he drops it on me anyway. I know it's not about me. It's his problem. Still hate hearing about it. :-(