And..

And it would seem that she and I have very similar religious views. It's actually quite funny.  Before he went on his anti-religious rant, we were already heading away from organized religion.  I don't know if I'll follow hers exactly but I like thinking of making my own: Wicca and Buddhism.  Those two appeal to me.  So why can't I mix them?  She says I can. 

It was a great talk.  Lots of laughter.  And she looked up Temples.  I think she's waiting for a time to tell him he's wrong.  His church isn't the only one with temples.  They're just the only ones who build at such a voracious rate!

Now I'm done. =D

The Real Reason....

This is baptism season. I will be hiding out until the fervor passes. So far there are 7 slated. I'm happy that people are finding something they like but hate the reprecussions when someone remembers I'm not a member. It can be frustrating.

I talked to her today about religion. And maybe part of the reason I don't want to be baptized is because there isn't a real history attached to this religion. It feels made up. (I was thinking of another word but it left me.) Plus, it's the religion. I have a hard time with a prophet although I know the Catholic church has a pope.  They aren't that different.  So I'll let that go.  The biggest reason why I've never been baptized...and the true reason...is because I don't believe in the bible.

That's right. I said it.

To me, the bible is a really good fairy tale. It has all the horrors and happy endings and fables/parables with the lesson at the end that other fairy tales have. It has interesting characters (but horrid language) and I have my favorite stories.  But to me, that's all they are.  Stories.  Used to scare people and keep them in line.  Add the new fairy tale book from them and you have an almost complete set.  I can't sit down and debate the merits of the bible as a "testament" if I don't see it that way.  He sees it as a flaw and once told me I need to pray because it might be different now. No. 

I remember when I was younger and read the Children's Catholic Bible. It had pretty pictures and great stories and really engaged me. I'd read it as a bed time story to myself (and my ultra-cool hippo). Maybe that's what started it. I just know that reading it as an adult doesn't interest me. I read the stories I want and I know where to find them. I hate it otherwise.

One of the problems I face, though--and it's completely my fault--I mentioned once that I used to talk to Jesus and he used to talk to me. When I was very little (starting at 4) he would visit every afternoon and we would chat. I didn't see him as anyone special or as anyone other than my friend. Yet, I told him, and it was a VERY BIG DEAL.  I don't see it. And I outgrew it. Partly because I lived through what he was there for and partly because someone needed him more. I wish I'd never told him.

Baptism season is in full affect. Avoidance Island is now open.

Sometimes it's a good day

With so many baptisms happening, focus is shifting on me. Now I would have been upset before. I would have ranted for hours and made him miserable as he tried to fix it. He has been my knight. He heads them off. But the frenzy is getting to a pitch and I can hear people whisper. It sounds like I'm paranoid but I'm not. When people start sentences with "I'm not pressuring you toward baptism....", then the pressure is definitely added. He said over his dead body will they talk to me about baptism. He's on a crusade. It's very sweet.

Today was a good day. There is a new family being baptized next Saturday. They are a really sweet family and very sure of what they're doing. Crazy. And they aren't letting the people of the ward get to them. And they're trying. They won't pronounce their name right, they ignore her husband, but they love the kids.

Last night was a game night at the church. The children came with their mom. And everyone ignored her! She sat next to me and they'd come over to say hi to me but would ignore her when I introduced her or reminded people who she is. It was sad and made me slightly angry. She eventually left with a "headache" and I couldn't talk her out of it. She wants to belong to this church because she sees that it's doing a lot for her kids but they won't embrace her because she's Hispanic and is afraid to speak English. Argh.

But there is still hope. I know that. I feel that.

What I've learned...

Recently I've been focusing on him and his religion and how it affects me. To be fair, I can create drama out of anything and his religion and his thinking is no different. They don't affect me, really. They have nothing to do with me. But I feel he and I are so intertwined that I should think like he thinks and believe like he believes. And I buck every time. It's not healthy. I would like to say it was easier before he converted. But it truly wasn't. It was just a different set of issues. And I have become a different person than the one that put up with his crap before. I think for myself and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Saying no to baptism isn't as difficult as finding what I want.

So I've put my spiritual quest on the back burner. It bothers me. Like I'm missing something and it's not organized religion. Today I decided to start feeling my way again. I know where I want to go and what I want to do. I just lack the courage to do it. And I lack the courage because I don't want him to look down on me, be disappointed, or tell me I'm wrong. Honestly, I don't think he'd do any of those things. I think he'd be happy if I just did it. I'm going to screw up my courage and embark.

Wish me luck! :0)

Talking and Listening

After last night's revelry, I came home and talked with Dave about his thinking. I told him it disturbed me that his thinking was skewed into the mormon way. He apologized. He said he didn't realize it. He would be more aware of it. And try not to fall into that trap. We'll see.

When did that happen????

Somewhere in the last two years, he started thinking like them. Somewhere in the last two years, he started adopting their stance on issues that are polar opposite to what he used to believe. I must have blinked. I don't know when it happened. I don't know how it happened. But it happened. And it caught me completely off guard. He used to say that the gays were special people placed on earth for a higher good because they have to put up with so much. Now he says he agrees with the cult's stance. He used to say that it was wrong to baptize dead people without the knowledge of the family. Now he wants to know what the big deal is. And yet, in every other way, he appears normal.

I blame the Mormon special that was on tv. But that's only a symptom. That's what made me realize his thinking changed. Somehow, I forgot to add that religious fanaticism is a deal breaker. It really bothers me and he doesn't see why.

He also acts like I'm prolonging the inevitable. He talks about when I go to temple with him. The only way I'm going is if it's not dedicated yet. Right now, I feel disgust and I'm glad I'm not going tomorrow. This is all too much to process.

Sometimes it's enough

Last weekend, I felt guilty because I didn't go to church. This week, I felt a little guilty because scouts was canceled. And then I realized how ridiculous that is to feel guilty for not doing something I hate doing!

I go to church to spend time with him. I go to church because it brings him joy and peace. I like seeing that. I go to church because I don't want to disappoint him and, as much as he says I don't, I feel I do every time I say I'm not going. I don't like going. I like visiting with the people but I also am always aware that they're trying to get me pulled in. I don't like that they have an agenda.

We discussed baptism. Actually, he brought it up and said he thought we could talk about it like two adults having a conversation. But when it comes up, I feel he has an agenda. How horrible is that???? I may have over-reacted. :-) I told him that I know where I'm going and I don't need to be a part of an organized religion to get there. That if he was concerned with my soul, that was his problem. I was baptized once. I was confirmed once. And I don't want to go through that again. I don't want to feel that oily, clammyness creep on me. He said he was speaking generalities. I don't think so. It is a touchy subject. We don't talk about it because I do react. Agendas. You know, it wouldn't be so bad if people were just honest. I do believe him when he says I don't have to be a member. I don't have to go to church. Because when he says it, he means it. I am tired of it all.

Missouri is creeping back into his vocabulary. I may have missed the opportunity for UT. I'm digging in my heels. That is all.