Sometimes it's enough

Last weekend, I felt guilty because I didn't go to church. This week, I felt a little guilty because scouts was canceled. And then I realized how ridiculous that is to feel guilty for not doing something I hate doing!

I go to church to spend time with him. I go to church because it brings him joy and peace. I like seeing that. I go to church because I don't want to disappoint him and, as much as he says I don't, I feel I do every time I say I'm not going. I don't like going. I like visiting with the people but I also am always aware that they're trying to get me pulled in. I don't like that they have an agenda.

We discussed baptism. Actually, he brought it up and said he thought we could talk about it like two adults having a conversation. But when it comes up, I feel he has an agenda. How horrible is that???? I may have over-reacted. :-) I told him that I know where I'm going and I don't need to be a part of an organized religion to get there. That if he was concerned with my soul, that was his problem. I was baptized once. I was confirmed once. And I don't want to go through that again. I don't want to feel that oily, clammyness creep on me. He said he was speaking generalities. I don't think so. It is a touchy subject. We don't talk about it because I do react. Agendas. You know, it wouldn't be so bad if people were just honest. I do believe him when he says I don't have to be a member. I don't have to go to church. Because when he says it, he means it. I am tired of it all.

Missouri is creeping back into his vocabulary. I may have missed the opportunity for UT. I'm digging in my heels. That is all.