Dilemma

I went to Mass when I was in Salt Lake.  It was disappointing. I'm pretty sure I wrote about it. But I am still feeling that pull to go to Mass.  Tuesday is my great aunt's funeral.  I think I'm going to Mass before school to light a candle for her and say some prayers. I'm glad she's reunited with her family and Jim.

I don't understand this pull. I feel so tired of conforming with his church and trying to bend my mind to fit his way of thinking. Each time I think of going, I feel dread. I thought I was over it but I'm not.  Especially since this pull started. I'm going to church tomorrow with him. It's testimony Sunday and it's what I do. But I find myself not wanting to stay for the whole day. Maybe I won't.  I don't know. I'm so tired of everything. I'm so tired of trying. I want something for myself without wanting his approval or worried about making him happy. Making him happy is making me very unhappy.

It's time for a change. And the time is now.

Exhausting but rewarding

Last week was Spring Break and we decided to go to Salt Lake early.Yesterday, for Easter, I decided to experience an Easter Mass once more. I missed the one I really wanted to go to but went to the one in the evening with them.  He volunteered to go.  It was short.  University Masses usually are. Then we went back to their house and he started asking questions.  He didn't say anything that was offensive.  She didn't say anything defensive.  I do think she was testing a little to see if he would jump into his doctrine. But he didn't. I was impressed.  Today we came home.  Exhausted but so glad to be home.  :)

Interesting in a museum/history kind of way

Tuesday we toured Temple Square.  We walked through the visitor centers, the tabernacle, and the assembly hall. We had two very sweet and knowledgeable sister missionaries. And it was interesting. If I kept in mind that this is their history and I didn't hear any doctrine, it was good. He said they're very good about not trying to convert while on this particular mission.  I did enjoy it. My favorite part was the roof garden above the conference hall. It was incredibly impressive. But it goes to waste because you can't go up there unless you have a guide.  How sad is that? All that beauty and it can't be shared with you and god. There has to be a chaperone.

Hmmm....A good day!

Today I realized I am one of those people who go to church for the people. Not for the sermons or the sacrament or any of that. I have become attached to a handful of people and those are the ones I go to see. 
I'm not normally outspoken in church.  Any grievances or complaints I have I save until the end and tell them to him. He usually fixes it for me or explains it so I don't hold a grudge or whatever. I'm actually very good at letting go of the grudges and grievances. Today, though, I was outspoken. There is a woman who has annoyed me since we started going to this church. She once pulled me aside and said that the longer it takes me to get baptized, the more apt I'm going to follow the "adversary" and go beyond the outer darkness.  Then she cried. It has always rubbed me wrong and it's something I can't seem to let go. Anyway, that's the history.  She's very abrasive and offensive and doesn't care if new people are there or not.  Today she said that people are not obedient of god or anything until they join the church. And it peeved me. She preached for a good ten minutes. Then I raised my hand and said that people can be obedient before they join. There are many people who are obedient to god and don't belong to this church.  She was not happy with me. But then he spoke up and said that not just the new people and investigators who have to be obedient. But it's a message/lesson for everyone not to be complacent about following the commandments, especially members. She was very quiet during Relief Society. 
That lesson also irked me. World moral discipline.  World meaning USA.  Yeesh. 
One of my favorite people hugged me today.  She's always so peaceful and soothing. It was a good day.

Lunch with the cult

I went to lunch today with RP. She's married to a higher up in the church. She's not a likable person. But then...there are times when I'm not either. I wonder why she wants lunch with me. She does it about once a month. I think she likes having someone who's not involved to talk at. But I realized today that she also uses this time to proselytize about the church to me. In fact, she tries to be friendly while she's doing it and tries to make it very friendly.  Yet it sits a little off with me.  Almost like she's trying too hard.  The final push for the day was genealogy.  She wanted me to know how exciting it is to find my family. And do the work for them. I miss the concept, I guess. I won't tell him because then he'll lecture me about genealogy and how important it is. I think she sees it as her home teaching or something.  Her duty to make sure I know what I'm missing and how unfulfilled I should feel. I don't feel unfulfilled. I don't feel like I'm missing anything.  What I do feel is I'm tired of hearing about it.
I feel like I'm being guilted into going to church.  He comes home on the Sundays I don't go and tells me who missed me and asked after me.  One person has made it her mission to call me if I miss it.  I don't like phones. And Wednesday when I was tutoring, the mother asked me if I was quitting.  I feel a bit resentful about it. I wish they would leave me alone.  He said it's because they like me.  And now he's pushing me to be friends with a new member, babysitting for them, and hanging out.  It annoys me. I don't care what he does with his time or who he sees....but he's not allowed to volunteer me.  And then expect me to be okay with it.  Not. Okay.

Sometimes.....

I am incredibly touchy when it comes to my beliefs. I take offense when my spirituality comes up.  And I take what he says personally.  Last night he said he taught a Wiccan. And then started asking me questions. Now I looked into Wicca. I firmly believe in it but I quit because of him.  How stupid is that?!?!?!  Giving him control like that. I know what I believe. Everytime it comes up, though, he has to equate it with his religion and how his god created everything. I hate that. He doesn't understand why I get upset and I am not sophisticated enough to explain it clearly. I know it annoys me and I end up in tears.  Always.  I feel like I ruin his spiritual high.

I didn't go with him today. I don't want to go. I go because I miss him and it seems like the only way I can be with him. Still....today I didn't want to go. I don't really want to go anymore.  I've voiced it before but haven't managed to follow through.  I wish I was stronger and could. 

Still another calling...

I don't mind that he has all these callings.  He really enjoys them and it makes him happy.  So that makes me happy.  It just makes me giggle that a church who's sole purpose revolves around the family keeps their adult members so busy that they have no family time.  I guess that's why there is family night.  Still giggling.  =-D