Sing for the Day, Sing for the Moment

Today was church day. And though I said I wouldn't go back, I did decide to go back for times when he sings or speaks. There have been comments like he should talk/sing every Sunday to make sure I'm there. Punks. It's been two weeks. Seriously. I'm there every Wednesday from Scout and missed two Sundays. But you'd think I haven't been there in years. *sigh*
He sang a beautiful lullaby and many people cried, including himself. It was very touching. And people continued to talk about his song and singing long after. In RS, many people felt that he's inspiring and his talks/songs always make them cry. Even his blessings. 
It wasn't so bad. Today's lesson in RS was the primitive church and the apostasy. The sister didn't know what the apostasy was. It's okay. I know what it is and I'm glad she didn't delve into it much because she was totally focusing on the Catholic Church. She's never been in any other church than the LDS church. Those are the types that irritate me when they criticize the Catholic Church. Bleh.
Otherwise, a good day. I'm incredibly tired now.

Counting my blessings

I am going to the church on Sunday because he's singing and I love his voice. I want to be there for that. I sometimes get the impression that he doesn't want me to pick and choose when I go. He wants me to commit and stick to that commitment. I don't feel he's being fair. And when I mention that, he says I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, which is infuriating. But I usually let that slide. I do my best not to get into these discussions because he is so adamant about how everyone is lacking. Anyway, this isn't to complain about him. Because he's actually been trying harder than he has for the last three years and I appreciate that.
We are poor. Not as poor as some. And I'm in total denial about how bad it really is. But his church has come through and paid our mortgage, electric, and water bills as well as provide us with food. A lot of food. I'm grateful for that, too. I wish, though, that there were no strings attached.

Coming Home

It was bizarre. I told him last week that I didn't want to go to his church anymore. It wasn't the sacrament part because I could deal with that. It wasn't the people so much because they're people and flawed.  No, it was the classes. Each time I went to the classes, I had to hear how men are better, god has a plan but it doesn't include pain or addiction or anything negative. I had to hear what a woman's job is and how people in the church are so superior compared to those not in the church.
The other day he said that people can go searching through all religions and not find what they're looking for. He said everyone hits a wall and ends up in the LDS church. He made me stop. I was walking out the door. I told him that other religions didn't work for him, that he hit a wall with them, but that doesn't make it all inclusive. He said I was absolutely right. And that is why I no longer go to the LDS church.
Which leads to today. She had to do an extra credit assignment and observe a service of some type. She chose the Orthodox Catholic Church. We drove clear across town to participate in this service. It was going to be 2 hours long. Now we assumed the service would be in Latin since it's supposed to be from the pre-Vatican II time. Instead, it was all in English. They sang every thing. The choir was nice. Most of the service was standing. And there was a lot of crosses/blessings being made. I couldn't keep up. And I lost interest. I have total ADD when it comes to church. I can't sit still or keep quiet. It's a huge flaw. She was all for leaving and so we did. The old guy next to her was giving us the stink eye the whole time anyway and his stink eye followed us out of the building.  We decided we needed food. Now I don't buy anything on Sundays. He disapproves and makes incredible faces and noises. But I threw caution to the wind and we went to The Omelet House. It was the best freakin' omelet ever! We discussed our repentence because we obviously screwed up. So we went to a regular Catholic service.
We drove to Henderson and went to St. Francis of Assisi. Let me tell you. Walking into that church was like coming home. The service rushed to my head so I could participate. The songs felt so familiar. I felt peaceful and refreshed when we left. I haven't felt that in a very long time.
I don't know if I'm going back. I don't know if the Catholic church is what I want. But it's something and I like it. Even with all my bashing. :)

Tricky they are

We have been discussing the similarities between the Catholic and LDS church. And he agrees that the similarities are strong. However, if I dug deeper, I would find the huge differences. I don't plan on digging deeper. I plan on continuing on my merry away which is not to the cold waters of the baptismal font. 
I've been going to church because he's going to be set apart as the Elder's Quorum President. I want to be there for that since it's so important to him. So I went to church today and still no setting apart. I'll go again next week. I want to take a break. I want to not go for a while. And yet... because of this setting apart.....I'll continue to go. Yeesh.
I talked to a person today who lives in the care center next door. She wants to be friends. She's sweet. And wasted no time giving me a task. I don't mind. It was an interesting day over all. I'm looking forward to moving.
I did realize that he would like to belong to the same church as Chris. I wish I could grant that for him but I don't see it happening. I just don't want to live in Spanish Forks. I feel selfish. I do see that they'd be a powerhouse together. And I also see that I am an obstacle. It is not for me to decide or ponder today. We're still a while away before we move. Leave. Whatever.
One of my favorite people is moving to Idaho. I didn't even get to say good-bye. That's so sad. She's been an inspiration and I've loved talking to her. She's so funny. I'm going to miss her. But the up side: she's on my facebook so I can send her messages at any time. 
Sometimes the bright side shines much brighter than the tarnished side. :) And I know that makes no real sense but it makes a lot of sense to me.

Catholicism

Today was interesting. I picked up a book about the Catechism of the Catholic Church and started reading it. It is amazing how similar the LDS church and Catholic church are. I did know of some but the more I read that book, the more I became aware of just how much they have in common. The difference is that the C. Church doesn't really bad mouth any other religions because they believe all religions lead back to them. Which is true, in a way. Since the C.C. stole a lot of saints and holidays from other religions. I don't think I'm going to bring this up with him. I don't want to get into a debate and have him try to prove why his church is better. It's not. Neither one is better. So I'm back to the question: why would I trade one for the other when they're so similar? It's crazy. And yet so many Catholics do it and vice versa. Personally, I'll stick to where I'm at. I may go back to the church (C) because it's familiar and it's soothing. I do like the songs and the quiet times to meditate (usually as the priest is praying or during the readings).  Perhaps that is something I'll start to do next Saturday. Yes, I've mentioned it before. But now....I want something of my own. I don't want his. It doesn't change my stance of god or the bible. I may have to confess that. But it is still a base and it's something I know. More thought.

Tithing Terrors

I hate religious discussions. Not even religious because no other religions come into it. But the cult. And tithing has been a hot topic for the last two days. Yesterday, I really laid into him because a family is struggling and was told regardless of the struggles they need to tithe. The blessings of god are directly tied to the tithing and if a person doesn't tithe, they don't get blessings or go into the temple. It feels more greedy than the Catholic church.
So I looked up tithing in the Catholic church. And they don't require it. They require members to support the church however they can: not necessarily money but through service. Which makes a lot more sense to me. I still don't have a love relationship with the Catholic church. I'm not going to suddenly decide how much better it is because there are major issues with it. But some of it is better than the cult. Other parts are just as bad. So it's not like I'm running to the Catholic church, though the urge is there because I do know it. I have a huge wall built against the cult and it annoys me that he keeps saying "when I'm baptized" instead of thinking I never will be. At this time, I just can't do it. And I am the last person someone should talk to about the cult or ask questions. I'm the last person to soothe ruffled feathers. I do tend to make it worse because I am so vocal in my opposition. That being said, I don't think a person who voluntarily joins the cult has the right to complain about the strictures of the cult. If you're not going to investigate it thoroughly and get as many questions answered and as much information as possible before the baptism, then that's on you. Suck it up and deal with it. It's a rant of mine. I absolutely hate hearing people tell me they regret their decision because they didn't know. Or they're upset because there wasn't an instant change.  That's stupid. And annoying. See? I'm not the one to talk to. It reminds of the time I was in Basic Training and went to the hospital to visit a friend. I met a girl there who had fallen down the stairs and wanted to go home but the higher ups said it wasn't life threatening so she would be back to active duty. I told her to call the Red Cross to get a hardship discharge. I told her all the things that were bad about being there (even though I did enjoy it) and convinced her to leave. By the time I left, she was already talking to her mom to go home. I am the wrong person when I feel strongly about something.
Other news--but still cult related--our neighbor has a drinking problem. For the last three years, the girl has accused her dad of abusing her and has told me repeatedly that she wants him gone. He drinks. He does abuse them.  She wants to call the police but won't. So for the last three years, she's told the missionaries about it. She cries. She wails. She has the drama. It's a serious situation. I'm aware of that. I also know that we have given her avenues to get out and she won't take it. I also know that we've spent time with her dad and do our best but we can't forcibly remove her. She won't let us call the police. In the past, the missionaries made a concentrated effort to see her every other day for hours. Totally against policy. The missionaries now, however, called the missionary president who called the bishop who called me. I asked her what she wanted to happen. She said she wants him to go away. She had a talk with the bishop last night who wanted to call the police right then. She said no. Next time. The thing that gets me is that if she really wants to stop or change it, why wouldn't she let the police get involved? Yes it could go badly. But it's a step in a direction. 
As an abused person, I understand her mentality. I also know that I wasn't like her at all. I didn't have the attitude. I was still beaten and locked up but I never gave attitude. I was the pleaser. I know it doesn't matter what attitude a person has: an abuser is going to abuse. I feel at a loss yet this also reinforces why I can't help domestic violence victims. It's frustrating. But maybe now the cult will be more involved in her family and actually teach her parents. The kids are members but the cult has abandoned the parents. Makes no sense.
I'm done ranting. Well, probably not but ranting makes me want cookies and that is just a bad thing. 

Disgust

I don't think I can do this religion thing anymore. I don't think I can listen and sit idly by. As he and his friend were talking about the house in UT....one that is far from where I want to be.....they had to figure out my time line. As sad as it sounds, I want him to go now. Because this is killing me, killing us, and making her hate me more. I'm done with the passive role. I'm just done.